Dead Space


Tazio's Program 1

Tazio1 January 15, 2010 User blog:Tazio1

Pychologist's note: After the Earth shattering work Haegemonia showed us in his couples councelling, I realised that some of their members required special help from their torment.

I decided to form a Pychology Program, in the same building as Haegemonia's self help classes, and will be helping any poor soul who is in danger of themself. If I missed anyone, then please, point them out to me, and I will look at their file (e.g. Wikipedia) and I will try to approach them for the next meeting.

I hope you get an insight to these troubled souls plight. Like me.

The security camera screen is filled with static. A white triangle appears in the screen's top right corner. It is placed on it's side, pointing to the right. The video has begun to play.

A man in a lab coat in sitting in front of the camera on a small blue plastic chair. He has a shinny light brown hair, cut short, but has black bum fluff on his chin and along the side of his face.

Tazio: Okay, Pychology Program number One visual recorder is set up and rolling. Uhem. I'm doctor Tazio Nedsmoremedication, and this is the first of my self help program mettings. Haegemonia from down the hall has gratiously let me use this room to help several of his attendies with theire pychological disabilities and problems after I saw so many during my first metting in Hagemonia's Couples Counselling.

Tazio's face suddenly contorts, and he sits there again, with compleatly blue eye's now.

Artemis: Hehe, you just wants to seess if anyone else was crazyer than yous.

Tazio contorts again, with normal-ish eyes again.

Tazio: Damnit Artemis, if you screw things up again, I'll get the malet out again! Do you remember what happened last time?

Tazio contorts again.

Artemis: Yess, you hurted Artemis...

Tazio: That's right, go back to your corner. And stay there during the meeting!

Tazio looks at the camera again.

Tazio: I'm sorry about that, multiple personality disorder, all that. Any way, I think the members will be coming in soon. I'll turn the visuals off, to hide anything that might harm some of the members. They are fagile souls. But I will record all of the audio.

Tazio pulls a remote out from his lab coat, and aims at the screen, and then press' a button. The screen goes dark.

Tazio: There. I'd better let everyone in...

(The sound of a chair being released from a heavy weight is heard, and soon a creaking door in the distance is heard opening.)

Tazio: Hello everyone, are you all here for the Pychology Program?

(Murmering of agreement.)

Tazio: Good, good, I'll check your names off the list as you come in. Uh, here, is my, urgh, clipboard! Man, these pockets are getting smaller, uh, Mario?

Mario: I'm a here! Letta me through!

(Springing sound is heard.)

Tazio: Uh, you're going to have to but that cigar out!

Mario: It's a no cigar, it's a mushroom, eh!

Tazio: Whatever, just put it out. I don't want the smake alarms going off again. Hagemonia had a fit last time. Um, Bowser?

Bowser: Here! Let me through please, yes thank you, ugh!

(Ground shaking walking is heard.Then a chair creaks under a heavy load.)

Bowser: Hey Mario, how's it been?

Mario: It's a been good. Wanta puff puff?

Bowser: Um, no thanks...

Tazio: De do da, ah, The hedgehogs?

A soft, angry voice: Yes, that's us... Come on Sonic, hold my hand. It'll keep the guns warm. Yes, I'll wheel Amy in as well.

(The sound of a restraining cart is heard being wheeled close by)

Sonic: Musn't touch anything, the rings will go away, yes, don't want that...

Tazio: Hum, he's gotten worse. Thank's for bringing him Shadow. But stop twirling that bloody gun, will ya? You're getting Ratchet excited...

Shadow: Sorry, I just like the way it feel's...

Tazio: (Sigh.) I guess I'll let you in next Ratchet. But don't you dare sit next to Shadow!

Ratchet: Don't worry, I can, urk, guns, lot's of guns... (Slap) Um, I'll sit next to you...

Tazio: Good idea, oh, good you brought Silent Hill!

Ratchet: I told you not to worry.

Tazio: Yeah, yeah, just sit down before I check you for any Lancer's. Um, Jak, are you around here?

Jak: Coming through. Hey, get out of my way, or I'll kill you!

Tazio: Mind your temper Jak, or I'll send you down the hall to Anger Managment. And Samus is in there. You know she dosen't like you very much after you showed her the photo's...

Jak: I'll be good! (Fast running is heard, and a chair moves back suddenly.)

Tazio: That'll keep him quiet for now. Um, Master Chief? Hey, has anyone seen the Chief? No, that's Isaac. What? He's on the floor? Okay, bring him in Joker. Put him on a chair...

Joker: Oo, he's a heavy load, isn't he? OO, an oxygen noosel slot. Heheheheh, this can work out nicely...

Tazio: Joker, if you use any of your gas this time, I'll send you outside.

Joker: Fine, party pooper. I'll just ask Mario for something later you know...

Tazio: That's why I've ht this fire extinguisher. Okay, I guess that leaves Isaac, come on in, and... Oh? Mr, Pac Man?

Pac Man: Whacka whacka!

Tazio: Yes, good to see you... Um, Eggman, shove off, your not mad, your just anoying, go on, go away! Go play house with Metal Sonic or something...

Eggman: Awww, but I am mad!

Tazio: Grr...

(Door close's.)

Tazio: Well, that's everyone. Okay, I hope you all know why you're all here, don't you?

Everyone: We need some help!

Tazio: Good, the first step in helping yourself get over the problem is acceptance. Today, we're going to take a look at why we're here, okay? I'm going to go around the room, and we will see what is troubling you all. Let's start with you Ratchet.

(The sound of a chair being pushed away is heard.)

Tazio: You don't need to stand up Ratchet.

Ratchet: Oh, okay.

(The chair squeaks.)

Tazio: Let's start with your name and why you're here.

Ratchet: Okay. Well, I'm Ratchet, and I'm the last of my kind, and, well, I like blowing lots of things up. Whoo, glad to get that off my chest...Um, anyway, as I said, I enjoy the occational Planetary Armagedon or Nuklear attack, but latley, with the revelation that I can't have kids, I've been overdoing it. So my friend Clank sent me over here. I just want to stop using my, beutiful, beutifull, oh man, that sexy, wonderful R.Y.N.O.,, ohhh...

Tazio: Um, Ratchet, did you just wet your pants?

Ratchet: It's not piss.

Tazio: Gulp, um, next, the intire town of Silent Hill? Everyone, this is the troubled town sitting next to Ratchet. He agreed to use his Shrink Ray to bring them all here.

Ratchet: Oh, that gorgeous Shrink Ray, oh I had dreams about it...

Tazio:...Yes, anyway, the intire town seems to like fire. Alot. But this isn't really good for the town, so, we're going to see why they like fire so much, and try to veer them away from it in the future. Maybe we can hopefully get them into some Ice. No, Mario, don't get so excited... Silent Hil, can you speak?

Silent Hill: Yes.

Tazio: And did you hear all that?

Silent Hill: Yes.

Tazio: Well, can you elaborate on your love of fire?

Silent Hill: Fire created the earth, the life, the beginning. We have to be one with the beginning!

Tazio: Well, isn't that deep. What do you guy's say?

(General murmer of agreement.)

Artemis: Me thinks we should throwss a match in theress. It'll be funss.

Tazio: Artemis! I told you not to interupt!

Artemis: Butss it's boring in the corner... I wantss to help.

Tazio: You can help he by dying!

Artemis: Awww...

(Stunned silence.)

Tazio: Uh, ignor him, he's just lonley because I didn't play with him yesterday.

Pac Man: Whacka whacka!

Tazio: Uh, yes, I guess you can go next Mr Pac Man!

Pac Man: Whacka whacka whacka whacka whack!

(Another long silence.)

Tazio: Did anyone understand what he said?

Everyone: No.

Artemis: I didss.

Tazio: Damn it Artemis, you're just trying to get some attention, arn't you?

Artemis: Me is telling truthss.

Tazio: Fine, what did he say?

Artemis: He sayss 'I amss overwieghtss, and eatss everything.' Aress you happy?

Tazio: Fine, yes. Just keep listening. So, Pac Man, you want to eat everything. Can you tell us why?

Pac Man: (Artemis translates.) Because everything looks like fruit, but they arn't, and I'm getting fat!

Tazio: Don't worry Pac Man, we'll make sure you can eat appropriatly soon. Hang in there mate.

Mario: Oh, I'm a feeling like the racoons!

Tazio: Mario, put that mushroom out! Bowser, can you help please?

(A loud stomp is heard.)

Mario: NOOOO! Okee dokee, it's a me, mario, and a I'm a mushroom man! Wahoo!

Tazio: Mario, I actually think you should go down the corridor to dugs annonymous... Look, Zelda is helping out down there, you should go see her. Tell her I sent you, and show her the mushroom. There's a good boy...

Mario: Bye everybody!

Everyone: Bye Mario!

(Door opens and then slams shut.)

Tazio: Hum, okay, Joker, your turn. Now, everyone knows you're insane, but we want to know what kind of insane. What makes you laugh? What, makes you, the man you are now.

Joker: Why am I insane? Well, one cheery day, my beutiful kid threw his toxic science experiment at my face, giving my sexy face, and then, here's the punch line, the wife comes in and say's she's having an affair! Hehehehehe!

Tazio: So, what did you do Joker?

Joker: Oh, I smashed my kid's beaker ad slashed everyone's necks in the neighbourhood. Quiet funny actually! I got on the news, and said 'H ma! I'm gonna kill you for giving me no protection in high school!' And I did! Hehehehehehe... He.

Tazio: Sadley everyone, sometimes traumatic events like this snap people, and cause them to change their personality compleatly. Thank you Joker, we'll all help you.

Joker: Oh, you party pooper! All these good jokes down the crapper!

Tazio: Yes, sorry Joker. Now, um, has the Chief woken up yet? Some one tap his shoulder. No, not the glass, they hate that!

MC: Ugh, whasat?

Tazio: Hey Chief, you awake?

MC: Yeah, I'm here. Cortana too... Did I knock myself out again?

Tazio: I have no idea.

Artemis: I doss.

Tazio: Shut up! I hate you! Uh, Chief, we're telling everyone why we are here today. Can you tell us why you're here?

MC: Easy. Cortana made me come. Kept on saying things like, 'Oh, your friends will be there, you can stop pummelling aliens, you'll get some help.' Geez, the lady never leaves me alone! But, for this meeting, I turned her neural interface off this time, so no more whiney annoying bitch this time!

Tazio: So, you're here because you've been pumelling aliens, right?

MC: Uh, yeah, but it's my job! But, latley, I've been, hitting other things as well...

Tazio: Such as?

MC: The dog, the postman, the elephants in the zoo...

Tazio: Don't worry Chief, we'll help you get your fist's back to themselves. Okay, Bowser, you're up!

Bowser: Uhem, kekeke. Well, I have this...

(A large bang is heard, and yelling distantly 'I will kill all of the gods!')

Tazio: Oh dear, Hagemonia is talking to Kratos. I told him to not let him in. He's to hard for anyone to handle, let alone a stun gun... Um, Bowser, you were saying?

Bowser: Oh, yes, uh, well, I've got a little problem, I like women. Uh, princesses to be exact. And, sometimes I want a princess so much, I have to steal her. But, it isn't helping me make a strong relationship, even when I take them out to dinner in my castles! I, I just need to stop kidnapping them...

Tazio: Don't worry Bowser, we'll all help you. And just so you know, Princess Peach dosen't hold you in bad regard.

Bowser: You saw her? You spoke to her!

Tazio: Yes, I was talking to her before on the way over here. She teaches Yoga.

Bowser: Ohhhhh...

(A chair creaks, and several large footsteps are heard.)

Tazio: Bowser, sit down, we are going to help you, but you need to help your self as well. You have to learn to ignor all those frail, anorexic princesses! Come on, come sit down...

Bowser: Whoo, thanks guys.

Tazio: It's okay.

Artemis: Me says let him rapess the pinky one. We films it and makess moneyss!

Tazio: Eww, Artemis, do you know what I'm reaching for?

Artemis: The hammerss?

Tazio: Yes, the hammer. Now GO BACK to your corner, and stay there!

Artemis: Finess...

Tazio: And stay there! Okay, next is, Sonic! How you been mate?

Sonic: Oh, the rings will save you... They stop any thing touching you, oooo, AHHHHHH!!!!!!! The feelings are back! I can feel the hands, smell the chlorofill! GGGAAAHHHHH!!!! Make it stop!!!

Tazio: Oh God, Shadow, restrain him!

Shadow: Huh? What? Where am I?

Tazio: Damnit, Jak! Hold him!

(Whithering sounds are heard. Running and a crash is heard. The whithering sound is now muffled.)
Tazio: Oh, thank God, thank you Jak. Everyone, now Sonic here is a special case here. He has been previously sexually attacked by Miss Rose here to my right, the restrained one, yes, and has since gone on a ring collecting rampage for nights on end, thinking they will protect him with some magic shield. So, lets all be a little bit aware of what Sonic's going through, and be gentle around him.

Everyone: Okay.

Tazio: Well, seeing as you're here, Jak, you're next.

Jak: Hey everyone, I'm Jak, and, I occastionally turn into a deamon and a demi-god. Oh, and I can fly!

Tazio: Everyone, Jak thinks he can do these things because of the high amount of Eco Jak has used. It has made him think he can fly at will, and can destroy the world.

Jak: Hey, I can too!

Ratchet: Hey, destroying worlds is my job!

Jak: Yeah? Then why don't you come over here, and I'll show you how I'm gonna do my destroyin' right in your face.

Ratchet: Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!

Tazio: Guy's, settle down! Geez, just sit down, and cool off. I really don't want to go get Samus, I really don't, but you're nearly forcing me too.

Artemis: Come on, let themss fight. It'll be funsss...

Tazio: Artemis... (Threatening tone.)

Artemis: Right, rightss...

Tazio: Okay, Shadow, I guess we can talk to you next.

Shadow: Huh? Where am I?

Tazio: What? You're at the, oh wait. Okay, everyone, Shadow has periodic Amnesia, due to overuse of Chaos Control, and can no only remember things about guns, and his dead girlfriend Maria. So, if he dosen't turn up sometimes, he's probabley forgotten.

Sonic: Wait, Chaos Control cause's amnesia! Oh God, my failsafe is ruined! I can feel the hands now! NOOO!!! (Whimpering.)

Jak: Can I get off him? He's starting to pee himself...

Tazio: Might be a good idea... Shadow! Put that gun away!

Shadow: Grrr, fine, but I want to use it soon...

Ratchet: Gun? Where, where!

MC: You know, I've got a Magnum on me somewhere... Cortanan musta hiddin it again...

Tazio: Guy's! We're getting off topic, come on, only two more to go... Uh, Shadow, can you remove Amy's gag please?

(Short silence, and then...)


Tazio: Oh, geez! I think this is obviously a serious case of objective longing. I would safley say that Amy was traumatised as a child and could never be loved by anyone medioker, and thought that a famous hero would like her. And Sonic is her chosen hero. So we will be trying to give her new life options to help her fractured soul.

Jak: You know Amy, I'm a famous hero where I'm from...

Tazio: Jak, stop flirting with the insane hedgehog!

Jak: Which one?

Artemis: He has a pointss...

Tazio: When you agree with anything, it's wrong! Oh God, I'm conversing with him... Let's just get this over with. Isaac Clarke, you've been awfully quiet, why are you here?


Tazio: Oh, okay... Um, Isaac has given me a note, and it say's that his vocal box has been torn out while he was experimenting with his girlfriend Nicole. He would like to say to the person who sugested them that they worked well. Apart from him not being able to speak. But, I know someone who's good with organ cloning and transplants. I can talk to her if you like?

(Sort silence.)
Tazio: Isaac is nodding his head. He's writing a new message. ... Okay, he say's that he's been hallucinating. OO, I have to admitt that I'm not good with hallucinations. Look Isaac, I can only suggest that we just try and show you as many real things as possible. How do you like that idea?


Tazio: Okay, he said yes! I think that's all we can do for to...

Ratchet: Hang on, he said no, why are you lying?

Jak: Hey, leave him alone, he wants to help the guy.

Ratchet: Oh, shut up you pixie pussy. I think we should let Isaac decide for himself.


Sonic: What? She isn't saying my name? I'M FREE!!!!


Sonic: AHHHH!!!

Jak: Ghaa! That's it, it's go time rabbit boy! Shadow, gimee that gun!

Shadow: No, it's mine!

Ratchet: A gun? Oh yes yes yes! Chief, gimee that gun! Hey, Joker, get off him!

Joker: And in goe's the shiny blue chip, and away we go! Weee, hehehehehe!

MC: Oh, shit, Cortana! No, I didn't mean any of it! NO, NOT THE FACE!

(A crack, like metal being bent is heard.)

Tazio: Everyone, settle down, please!

Artemis: Fight! Fight like the wormss your aresss!

Tazio: Oh, that's it! Now I have to sing the song!
Artemis: What? Nossss!!!!!!!!!

Tazio: Dododododooodo. In touch with the ground, I'm gonna hunt down after you. Smell like a sound, lost in a crowd, and I'm hungry like the wolffff!!!


Bowser: Evereyone shut up!

(Silence, except for the rollicing sound of Duran Duran...)

Bowser: Tazio, I think you should calm everyone down.

Tazio: I howl and I whine after, what? Oh, right, um. Everyone, sit down.

(Collection of ass's sitting in seats.)

Tazio: Now, I want everyone to calm down, and feel like they accomplished something today, so I'm going to teach you how to relax. First, I want all of you to close your eyes, and listen to nothing but my voice... Then, think of something that makes you happy. Imagine that thing in front of you. See it, look at it, and be happy with it there... And then, relax...

Everyone: *Sigh*

Note: Many things suddenly happen at once here, so the sound guy came in and seperated all of the voices for review...

Ratchet: My God! It's te biggest barrel in the universe! Oh hahahahaaahhhh.....!

Bowser: My God, Peach, oh yeah, Peach!

(A sprinkling sound is heard, like piss.)

Tazio: Oh, God, Bowser, not on Silent Hill!



Shadow: ZZZZZZZZZ...

MC: (Accompanied by the sound off breaking chairs.) Take that Arbiter! Take that Mr Muggles! Take that Frank the postman!

Jak: Eco, oh such lovely Eco... I will fly again!

Pac Man: Gulp! Gulp!

Joker: Oh dear, there go my HEHE bombs...

  • After Tazio comment. Silent Hill: The bright fires of existance! Travel into it's divine and ancient power my children!

Tazio: Damnit! Bowser, stop pissing!

Bowser: I'm sorry, I'm just scared about a relationship!

Artemis: You knowsss, I havent senss Isaac.

Tazio: Lalalalalalalal! I can't hear you! Hey, Isaac, what are you doing next to the antigrav switch? And what are you holdin... Oh God, is that NICOLE!!

Artemis: Uhohss...!

(Sudden screaming.)

Tazio: Damnit Isaac! Artemis, you're good in zero gee, help me out!

Artemis: Oh, no the bootss are on the other footss, aren't theyss? No! Artemisss won't helpss. You never playsss with mes. It's alwayss 'Save Samusss' this and 'Science programss' thatss and 'Ship flyingss' otherwises. No. You just haves to helps yourselves! I'm watching RVB!

Tazio: No! Artemis, come back!

(Distant sound of tank fire and 'Son of a Bitch!')

Tazio: Uhhh! Great...

(Door opens again.)
Tazio: Who...? Haegemonia? Haegemonia, please, help me, please! Isaac turned the gravity off! You've got grav boots on, turn it off!

Haegemonia: Oh, hey Tazio! How's the Program?

Tazio: It's turned to shit, how do you think it's gone! Please, he... Hey, what are you doing?

Haegemonia: Oh, I forgot a Twix in here. Just came to pick it up. Okay, see you at the next Couple's meeting with Samus, k'?

(Heavy walking and satisfactory munching on Twix bar.)

Haegemonia: Hey Isaac, Nicole. Glad you took those suggestions on board... Uh, I'll be going.

(Door open's again, and closes.)

Tazio: Wha? Isaac, no, float away from me! No, don't do that in here, no! Wait, is that your Kenisis Module? What are you pointing a...? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

(Small sucking noise and a wet pop.)

Amy: That's just gross...

The tape ends and changes back to static.


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