Welcome to, where our motto is: “Love’s not dead, but you probably will be soon, so you’d better find someone while you can!”

Pictured below, site founder and universal sex symbol, Dr. Haeg E. Monia (esq.)


Featured singles:

Name: TotesnotEGOV_Chick

Personal Quote: “I’m not a government agent. Seriously.”

About me: I’m your average, everyday girl who enjoys computers, art, and not being a member of any governmental shadow organization. My appearance is fairly normal, such that you might even say you couldn’t identify me easily if I were to go into hiding after I was proven to be some kind of saboteur. Which I’m not.

What I'm looking for: A man who won’t ask too many questions (or, actually, one who doesn’t speak at all would be great), is good with handiwork, and who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty/getting stabbed by horrible biorecombinant monsters. Also, the Marker, y’know, if you’ve seen it, not that I’m planning to do something with it or anything. Just curious.

Hobbies: Quantum computer programming, target practice with my EGOV-3 “Divet” Standard Issue Pistol, putting engineers through hell while I rest comfortably in a secure, air conditioned room. Oh, and definitely not being part of EarthGov’s Exotheric Research Division.

Likes: Gullible guys w/ dead girlfriends, diverting suspicion away from myself onto others, dramatically revealing plot points like a Bond villain, killing crazy scientists

Dislikes: Security officers who risk exposing me, being accused of being an EarthGov agent, gigantic tentacles

Name: CEC_LoveR7

Personal Quote: “I’ve had enough of these motherfucking Necromorphs on this motherfucking Planet Cracker!”

About me: I am a security officer for the CEC, just your average British black male that seems so popular in horror films and related media these days. I am well-built, have a shaved head, have a somewhat bullish and seemingly untrustworthy personality but am actually quite courageous and good-hearted; indeed, these qualities managed to land me my jobs as a Chief Security Officer and a Black Male Movie Archetype (grade 2).

What I'm looking for: A woman who can look past the paper-thin literary devices which compose my personality and see me for what I am inside. I am uncertain what I am inside exactly, but I’m sure you can find out and tell me; I’ve got to be more than a bad plot device, right? Right?

Hobbies: Keeping my controlling and calm demeanor no matter how fucked up a situation gets, exercising regularly to keep my muscular frame, being a red-herring when looking for a traitor, desperately trying to find one part of my personality that is not a movie stereotype

Likes: The CEC, getting the job done, charging into areas with no regard for my safety even if the goddamn air is toxic, Deep Blue Sea

Dislikes: Being the first out of a group of main characters to die (come on, why does it always have to be the black man?), having my comms blacked out by government agents, people who say anything bad about the CEC or don’t call its assets by their proper names, that asshole Johnston (seriously, I am still so pissed about you breaking my Dido CD)

Name: ShamR0ck_GirL

Personal Quote: “Oh goddammit, not another boyfriend!”

About me: I’m a black-haired, brown-eyed girl in my 20s from Dublin, Ireland, who is just looking for love; I’m not choosy, and will pretty much give it up for anyone who does anything nice for me (saves my life, cares about my personal wellbeing, opens a door for me, etc.). Now, normally it wouldn’t be too hard for me to find a boyfriend, but everyone I ever become attracted to seem to die horribly, which has been kind of a bummer.

What I'm looking for: A brave, older, father-like figure (did I mention I also have a creepy Electra Complex? Yeah.) who will love me, keep me safe, and not die; though I’m open to women as well as long as they also don’t die, particularly if they sound like they came straight off the set of Bend it like Beckham. Actually, just any human-like object that I can pretend can reciprocate my love would be fine too, just as long as it doesn’t die.

Hobbies: Eating corned beef and cabbage, farming potatoes, practicing my offensively stereotypical and forced Irish accent, setting Ireland back seven hundred years, meditation (to relieve these weird headaches I keep getting)

Likes: Living boyfriends, firing guns (but not actually hitting anything, I’m a passive aggressive pacifist FYI), ridiculously implausible events in which I survive despite receiving what should be fatal injuries, whining

Dislikes: Dead boyfriends, sensible clothing, the English

Name: Woman_WARrior55

Personal Quote: “I was never breastfed!”

About me: I am a badass, plain and simple; I’m the Chief of Security for the USG Ishimura and I don’t take any back-talk from you whiny bitches. I’m a strong, independent woman, who wades fist-first into conflict; I forge my own way using my own set of rules based on what I believe is right. Some might say my personality is one-dimensional, but I can’t really hear them over the sound OF MY GODDAMN FISTS SMASHING INTO THEIR SKULLS.

What I'm looking for: A man who does exactly what I tell him to do, which he better do because oh boy am I angry.

Hobbies: Shooting guns, punching people who look at me funny (even if they are a superior officer), toning my disproportionate legs so it looks like my torso is being eaten by a flesh crab, talking through my gritted teeth, shaving the stubble around my Adam’s apple

Likes: Violence, punching, shooting, explosions, kicking, biting, unicorns

Dislikes: Pussies, whiners, crazies, gypsies, Unis

Name: L3aTH@LLy_D3V073D

Personal Quote: “Is that a spike which I’m going to drive into your skull in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

About me: What do you have to live for when all around you seems so utterly hopeless? Faith. And I am all about faith. Seriously, I will get ALL up in you with my faith, like you won’t believe. I assure you, by the end of the first date, something LONG and HARD will be entering your body. Baby, no need to worry about the “transformation”, because when I am done you will be beyond all physical concerns. Awww yeah.

What I'm looking for: A woman looking for salvation who is willing to partake of my lengthy, girthy "sermons" and ready to be reborn in the fierce heat of life itself; someone with an open mind ready to have it penetrated by my giant “stake”.

Hobbies: Looking for ladies with a nice “passage” I can insert my “tissue sample” into, polishing my “tool”, practicing my “preaching”

Likes: “Cold bodies” that need “warming”, admiring the “faith” of true believers, double entendres and sexual innuendo with ominous subtext (hey, subtext is just four letters away from “sex” and twelve away from “assisted suicide”)

Dislikes: Resourceful player-haters, shaving


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