Dead Space


Never Again: How to Prevent Another Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Like many of you, I watch movies; unlike many of you, I am completely f*cking unstable. Given the aforementioned, it should come as no surprise that I get exceedingly pissed off when a good movie/series is given a crappy sequel- and not just crappy, but so dense with pure sh*tiness it effectively destroys the prior movies, creating a well of crap that no iota of quality may escape. We all know the sorts of movies I'm talking about: Dumb and Dumberer, The Star Wars Prequels, The Mummy 2&3 (YES I LIKED THE MUMMY SHUT UP), Pirates of the Caribbean 3, and, of course, goddamned Indiana Jones and the f*cking Kingdom of the BULLSH*T-WHY-ARE-THERE-ALIENS Skull. However, these travesties of "film" are but the tip of the proverbial iceberg, the iceberg which threatens to sink the Titanic of cinema, something we must deal with NOW.

I know what you're thinking: Why should I listen to someone who liked Wild Wild West, Meet the Spartans, and The Mummy? To which I respond that I can't hear you over the SOUND OF YOU SHUTTING THE F*CK UP. ANYWAY. You may think that I'm just some crazy-Mc-Gary-Busey-pants but one cannot deny the number of these terrible sequels are increasing; in addition to those above, we also have such "films" as REC 2, The Descent Part 2, Cube: Hypercube, The Fly 2, basically all the Shrek sequels, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection, Blade Trinity, Predator 2, RVB: Reconstruction (yes, I know it's technically a machinima, but it absolutely ruined RVB for me), Robocop 3, every Saw sequel, Survival of the Dead, The Eye 3, The Grudge 3, Battle Royale 2, and, the one which put the goddamned Batman in the ground (at least, the Tim Burton one), Batman and Robin. Films like these have literally destroyed people's souls and crushed the hopes and dreams of mankind (which are then eagerly consumed by George Lucas while he's sitting on a Jar-Jar Binks bean-bag chair while clothed as an Ewok from the waist up and wearing only his briefs from the waist down).

... I apologize for that last bit of imagery.

See, the trouble here is that the movie industry is guided by a lust for money, such that studio executives don't care whatever is vomited onto the screen as long as it makes them money. Sometimes, it turns out that what was spewed out was quality, which, translated into corporate-speak means "We must make a sequel to capitalize on this series even if the last film's story does not lend itself to a sequel" and/or "We don't have to work as hard on the next movie as it already has a dedicated fan base that will eat whatever crap we throw at them". As you can see, these types of people love money to the point where they would pawn their own children for a quick buck; it would come as no surprise to learn that Steven Spielberg has a side job as a male stripper, grinding up against a pole made of pages from the scripts of the original Indiana Jones movie in a thong made up of fan-letters, all for some extra cash.

... Once again, I'm very sorry for what I just described.

So what can be done about this menace? Simply put, I believe we need to create a federal agency which will just be like Child Protection Services, only for movies. Basically, whenever the studios start putting really stupid crap in their films which endanger the series' wellbeing, the franchise is taken into the custody of the state. Jedi being exposed to Midichlorian infections? Custody of the state. Arnold Schwarzenegger running around like a retard and subjecting children to terrible "freeze" puns? Custody of the state. Blade being sexually harassed by the shirtless brother of Micheal Schofield? Custody of the state. Indiana Jones being locked in a lead fridge? Custody of the goddamned state.

In any case, no matter how we decide to deal with this problem we have to do it fast, as we are approaching the point of no return. Soon, frustrated by people not loving their sh*t, people like Lucas and Spielburg will turn to the only way of making money off their franchises: Remaking the originals. That's right, very soon not only will we have to deal with the terrible sequels, but also deal with the horrific nature of the remade originals; we will live in a world where all Star Wars characters are CGI Gungans, where Robocop is played by Frankie Munez, and where Blade must fight not vampires, but reanimated Gary Colemans (actually, that last one would be f*cking awesome).

We must act now and prevent these future tragedies from occurring, lest we are enveloped by darkness; for, should we not act, should we allow complacency to guide our hand, should we let the forces of Hollywood continue on the same course, modern cinema is doomed to be terrible. This dark future is coming, my friends, and it looks like this:


--Haegemonia(talk) 20:56, July 2, 2010 (UTC)

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