Dead Space


Couple's Counseling, with Haegemonia!

Begin Recording

Haegemonia: Okay, okay everyone, it’s time to start, please take your seats and we can get going. Feel free to grab a snack from the table if you haven’t already, but please make sure to save me one of those Twix bars.

Shuffling and slight amounts of clattering as everyone takes their seat.

Haegemonia: Okee-dokee, first things first: You've probably noticed the recorder I've set up here, this will now be used to record our meetings for further reference and also as evidence if we have another repeat of last week. You may have also surmised this means Raoul will not be returning, he unfortunately died due to complications incurred because of his injuries. I hope this acts as a sobering reminder of how precious little-people-stenographers are, and also how we should never hang them from the ceiling with strings to allow them to get a better view of the meetings and then forget to cut them down at the end; particularly when the next group using the room is celebrating a birthday party here. His poor, tiny shrieks as he was beaten to death with sticks by those kids thinking he was a piñata will haunt me to the end of my days.

Uncomfortable murmuring and fidgeting is heard in the background.

Haegemonia: Alright, let’s get started; who wants to share first?

People are heard shifting in the background.

Haegemonia: Alright, Master Chief, you can go first. How have things been between you and Cortana?

Master Chief: About that, yeah, see I just wanted to say that the advice you gave us last week was total bullsh*t. It SUCKS remodeling your living space as a goddamn “Couple’s Activity”. That b*tch Cortana didn’t shut up the whole time!

Haegemonia: Wait… Isn’t she an AI program that lives in your head though? Doesn't that mean your living space is... well... your head?

Master Chief: Yeah, and by the fifteenth goddamn nail I had hammered into my skull I was about ready to tear her freaking neural interface chip out! … Well, y’know, I would’ve been if I hadn’t lost all the feeling in my body.

Haegemonia: Wow. Okay, moving alo-


Haegemonia: Excuse me?

Master Chief: Oh, not you, it’s Cortana; she hasn’t shut her goddamn mouth the whole time we’ve been talking and- What? Yeah, I’m talking about you frickin’ b*tch! Oh, really? Really? You think I’m scared of you!? I swear to Christ I will slap your b*tch-ass binary code you call a mouth and- Hey! Don’t threaten me! What did you say!? Oh, don’t you dare activate my damn suit’s soldier incapacitation system! DON'T YOU FREAKIN-

A loud crash in heard in the background followed by an awkward silence.

Haegemonia: …Uh-huh. Could someone please get Master Chief propped back up on his seat? The last time we left him on the ground the janitor thought he was dead. Really freaked him out.

Shuffling and dragging is heard in the background, followed by the screech of a chair being moved slightly.

Haegemonia: Alright, wow; I knew I should’ve suggested something else for those two… Perhaps their mutual love of slaughtering aliens or the chaos of the battlefield?

Otacon: Do you think love can bloom, even on a battlefield?

Haegemonia: Sure it can; love can blossom between anyone and anywhere. I've even found baking pastries like muffins and the like can be especially effective in joining two people or a freaky-ass cyborg and an AI, I mean, just ask Caboose and Sheila.

Solid Snake: Their wedding was quite beautiful.

Haegemonia: Yes, yes it was Snake, though I think they mistook being “married in a church” for “being married and shooting Church”. Man, he was mad… (Pauses) Anyway, how have things been between you and Snake, Otacon?

Otacon: This is a sneaking mission Snake! The use of stealth is required!

Haegemonia: …What… What are you talking about?

Solid Snake: Oh, he's been like that ever since he found out about that fling I had with Raiden. He will not stop b*tching and moaning about it…

Otacon: I was wondering if even soldiers fall in love…

Solid Snake: Okay, we get it. You caught me already! I've admitted it! …It's not like you ever made me feel nice or took me out anywhere…

Otacon: Gimme a break! I'm not a soldier! I can't take anybody out!


Snake breaks down into quiet sobs.

Haegemonia: It's okay Snake, we're here for you… Remember, there's always hope…

Capek: Hope? Who has hope? If you have hope, you just don't understand yet…

Haegemonia: Oh goddammit… Axel, I goddamn well told you we had this room reserved today! Why don’t you, I don’t know, go create a horrific plague or taunt a rebellious miner or whatever it is you do. You can have the room later for your freaking home deco class. Shoo! Shoo!

A weird buzzing noise is heard, followed by the sound of a door opening and closing.

Haegemonia: Seriously, why does he have to levitate when he goes anywhere? That f*cking guy… (clears throat) Alright, maybe we should just move on to our group’s new members. First up we have a Mr. Sonic T. Hedgehog, who is a special member, and not just because he is a horrific blue spikey-haired abomination before god; as you all know, we sometimes deal we people other than couples, such as victims of domestic abuse and rape. Sonic, unfortunately, falls into both of these categories.

Sonic: (a manic tremor is heard in his voice combined with a strange nervousness) It… It was not way past cool dude… not way past cool…

Haegemonia: Yes, unfortunately Sonic here was chloroformed and kidnapped by a Ms. Amy Rose and-

Sonic: There’s nothing better than being hugged by someone you like… But- but if they touch you in a way or place that makes you feel uncomfortable that’s no good… no good… no good… (continues to repeat this phrase for a while before devolving into dry, heaving sobs)

Haegemonia: …Right. Well, you can probably surmise the rest there. Anyway, Ms. Rose has been taken into custody and is currently awaiting trial for this incident as well as the murder of three police officers with a hammer committed in the course of her arrest.

Sonic: (crying) Sonic heroooooes, Sonic herooooooes…

Haegemonia: Don’t worry Sonic, we’re here for you. This is a safe place where you are always welcome; though, I would really prefer if you could move to an out of the way corner of the room, because your horrible cyclopean two-pupiled eye is really freaking me out. (Footsteps are heard as the sniffling becomes fainter) Yep, there you go, riiiiight back there. Okay. (pauses) Alright, now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to introduce our new couple a… One second… I have the clipboard right here… Ah, a Mr. The Joker and a Dr. Harleen Quinzel! Please stand up and introduce yourselves.

Quinn: (in the most grating Jersey/New York accent you can possibly imagine) It’s actually Harley Quinn bub, gets it right.

Haegemonia: Okay… Harley Quinn then… Um… Why- Why are you wearing a Lycra Jester costume?

Quinn: It’s for my puddin’.

Haegemonia: You mean Mr. Joker? Where is he anyway?

The Joker: I’ve actually been behind you the whole time.

Haegemonia: Holy hell! What the hell happened to your face!? And what- what the hell are you doing with that gas canister?

The Joker: This? Oh, that’s just my- hee hee- Happy Gas. I’ve actually been letting it waft right under you for a while now; I really can’t figure out why you’re not a smiling corpse. Seriously, you would have to have one messed-up brain for the neurotoxin not to affect you at all…

Haegemonia: Okay, great. Please take a seat over with Quinn. Thank you. Anyway, my files say you two were actually required to come here by the state, due to Mr. Joker’s apparent abuse of you and some other related “incidents”?

Harley Quinn: He’s just playing! He only does those things ‘cause he loves me!

Haegemonia: I’m not sure being attached to a bomb is a sign of love. Anyway, let me ask: How did you two meet?

The Joker: Harley? Oh, she was my doc back at Arkham back in the days. Sure, the setting is what might be considered unusual, be what can I say? I’m a charmer. And really, I just love my Harley Quinn baby.

Haegemonia: Really? Could you actually show me this?

The Joker: Of course, here it is!



Haegemonia: Dear god, get it away! Why would you show me a baby with such a horrific genetic disorder and… Oh, I get it. Harley-Quinn baby… Heh, that’s actually pretty good… Hehehe… But seriously, put it away, it almost freaks me out as much as that blue horror in the corner. (takes a breath and sighs) Alright, moving swiftly on now to our next couple, we have a Mr. Isaac Clarke and a Mrs. Nicole BrennOH MY GOD THERE’S NOW A GIANT HARLEQUIN BABY HERE!!!

Unknown Man: No, no, that’s Nicole, Isaac’s girlfriend!

Haegemonia: … Uh, what?

Unknown Man: Yes, she unfortunately was infected by the necromorph mutagen. But, good news, she’s not a hallucination nor is she dead! ... Well, actually, she might be that last part.

Haegemonia: Okay, that… That’s just not right… You mean Mr. Clarke and that… thing… are… getting busy?

Unknown Man: Yep.

Haegemonia: Wow… Just wow… (sighs loudly) Well, at least it’s not as bad as when I had to council Camilla and Prince Charles. Seriously, it was like watching the rotten, encephalic zombie of Marilyn Monroe and Sam the Eagle going at it.

An extremely uncomfortable silence takes over. In the background, it is almost as if you can hear the hopes and dreams of everyone in the room dying due to the image now rooted in their heads.

Haegemonia: ... I’m sorry I had to tell you all that. Uh, lesse here, where was I…?

Unknown Man: You were talking about Isaac and Nicole?

Haegemonia: Oh, yeah… Hey, wait, who the hell are you?

Unknown Man: Zach Hammond.

Haegemonia: … Didn’t you die?

Hammond: Nope.

Haegemonia: But… you had your limbs TORN OFF. How can you… Agh, nevermind. Anyway, Isaac, let me ask you-

Hammond: I’m going to stop you there; Isaac can’t talk. He has unfortunately been struck with a horrific case of “Player Immersion Syndrome”, making him completely unable to speak. He can still write though, which is good… At least his case is a lot less severe then what happened to poor Dr. Freeman… Anyway, don’t worry; I will be able to talk for Mr. Clarke, he left me with a list of questions he has.

Haegemonia: Okay… Well, I guess that’s alright then… Um… I guess you can ask the first question.

Hammond: Okay, let me just find the list.

Haegemonia: Alrighty, while you’re doing that, let me talk to Isaac. (Sound of chair swiveling is heard) Isaac, I just want you to know that we will support you here, and will not judge you for basically engaging in necrophilia with that horrible monster. We just want you and Nicole to be happy, to join two hearts, to help with whatever you need. Isaac, when you reach out for support, I will say-

Hammond: Ah, here we go! First question from Isaac: How can Nicole and I spice up our relationship in the bedroom?

Haegemonia: -Oh dear god no. Absolutely not. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Hammond: But you just said…


James Sunderland: Well, I guess that’s me.

Haegemonia: (to self) Oh, thank god. Someone relatively normal. (normal speech) Alright then, let me check my chart here… Ah, okay. James Sunderland, right? This is also your first meeting?

James Sunderland: Yes it is.

Haegemonia: My files say you came from… Silent Hill?

James Sunderland: No, no, I actually came from Ashfield, right near Silent Hill. I haven’t been there in quite some time.

Haegemonia: Oh, okay, let me just fix that here. (scribbling noises) Okay then. Now, James, it says here you are married to… Ah, Mrs. Mary Sunderland. Where is she by the way?

James Sunderland: (voice much tenser, much more ominous) Mary is dead.

Haegemonia: Oh, I’m… I’m very sorry to hear that James… If you don’t mind my asking, when did she die?

James Sunderland: She died three years ago. She was very… sick.

Haegemonia: Oh dear. That’s terrible James… I’m very sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable with that question…

James Sunderland: (more tense, manic undertones) Uncomfortable!? Why would I be uncomfortable!? I didn’t kill her! I didn’t!

Haegemonia: Oooookay… Uh… Well then…

James Sunderland: She just ebbed away, almost as if God had pushed her under the water… Or smothered her to death with a pillow.

Haegemonia: Wait, what?

James Sunderland: It’s a metaphor. A metaphor for being smothered to death by a pillow. A metaphorical pillow.

Haegemonia: Wow. (exhales uneasily) Uh… James… Who are you here with then?

James Sunderland: Maria. She’s right here next to me.

Haegemonia: James… There’s no one in any of the seats around you…

James Sunderland: She’s very pretty… She looks so much like Mary does…

Haegemonia: Wait… Like Mary does?

James Sunderland: Yes, Mary. I even got a letter from her a few days ago, see?

Haegemonia: From Mary?... (sound of paper rustling) Uh, this letter is blank.

James Sunderland: Why can’t Mary accept I’ve moved on? What is that Maria? Not here, the fire can wait…

Haegemonia: Okay, I’m really getting freaked out here.

James Sunderland: Mary says there’s nothing to be afraid of…

Haegemonia: Wait, didn’t you say you were here with Maria?

James Sunderland: No silly… Maria is just a distraction from Mary… My one, true love… We’ll be together forever… And ever…

Haegemonia: Can someone please get him away? Please?

James Sunderland: In my restless dreams I see that town…

Haegemonia: Please don’t kill me.

James Sunderland: I have something to ask of you now… Mary wants to know it… We all do…

Haegemonia: (whimpering)

James Sunderland: … Huh. (in normal voice) Totally forgot what I was about to ask. Oh, but wait, I’ve got another question: Where’s your bathroom? I need to go stare into a mirror mournfully and wave my hand over my face.

Haegemonia: It’s- It’s down the hall… To your left…

James Sunderland: Thanks!

Sounds of footsteps and then a door opening and closing

Snake: Wow. I have not seen that much crazy since Torque stopped coming here. Honestly, if he hadn’t been hauled off to Carnate Island when he had…

Haegemonia: I think I peed myself.

Snake: Oh, don’t worry about that, a lot of people do that in stressful situations. Isn’t that right Otacon?

Otacon: What’s wrong? Getting all friendly all of a sudden?


Otacon: She has a cute way of walking. She kind of wiggles her behind.

Snake: What are you… Oh my god… You’re seeing that hussy Sniper Wolf behind my back again aren’t you!? YOU WHORE!

Otacon: Well… She’s got a very cute behind…


Otacon: Japan was the first country to successfully make bipedal robots. They’re still the best in the field of robotics.


The sound of a gun being cocked is heard, followed by gasps and the scuffing of chairs against the floor

Haegemonia: Snake… Snake put that down man… Come on, you have so much to live for!

Snake: (in a somber tone, to himself) Is this the first time you’ve ever held a gun? Your hands are shaking.

A loud bang is heard, accompanied by the sound of something heavy hitting the floor.

Otacon: Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Haegemonia: Otacon, man, don’t do it!

Another loud bang is heard as well as the sound of something else crashing to the floor

Haegemonia: Oh f*ck me! Oh f*ck me!

Quinn: Oh… Dear god…

Hammond: There’s so much blood… SO MUCH BLOOD!

The Joker: Also, he was actually wrong about Japan building the first bipedal robot as well as still be the leader in robotics, you see…

Haegemonia: SHUT UP! EVERYONE SHUT UP! Oh god, oh god… This can’t be happening! I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL, MAN! (in a trembling voice) Someone get me some bleach and a hacksaw. I’ll also need some lye and a container big enough to hold two bodies! Come on! DO IT NOW YOU-

A strange clapping sound is heard, similar to a breaker being turned off

Haegemonia: What the f*ck happened to the lights!? What the hell happened?

Sirens are heard outside, followed by the sounds of cars screeching to a halt

Police Officer: This is the police! Remain calm! We have reason to believe an escaped felon is inside the building! Remain calm! We are coming in!

Haegemonia: What!? Who!? Oh man, I can’t see anything? Who’s there?

The sound the ceiling vent’s grating crashing into the ground is heard, accompanied by the sound of someone falling to the floor.

Haegemonia: Oh god! Who is it!? Who’s there? … And why the hell do I smell chloroform?

Sonic: No… No… It can’t be… IT CAN’T BE!!!

Unknown Female: SONNIKU!!!

The sounds of a small struggle are heard, eventually replaced by the sound of something being dragged across the floor.

Haegemonia: Oh god… What happened? And… Wait, didn’t the police say they were coming in? GODDAMMIT! Hurry, block the doors, we just need to wait here until I can dispose of the bodies!

Hammond: But… We can’t stay here!

Haegemonia: YES WE CAN YOU VAGUELY BRITISH SOUNDING PANSY! Grow some juevos! Besides, there’s no danger in staying here-

Master Chief: Awww… Goddammit… How long was I out? And what the hell are these two things on the floor? And- Hey… Do you smell smoke?

James Sunderland: (in the distance) THE FIRE WILL PURIFY THIS LAND! MARY, ISN’T IT GLORIOUS!?

Haegemonia: … Okay… That’s it. There is no way this day could get any worse. No f*cking way.

Hammond: Hey, I think that Capek guy took the last Twix when he left the room...


End of recording

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