Dead Space


Canajan, eh?

Haegemonia October 21, 2009 User blog:Haegemonia

As some of you may know, I'm from that big ol' country Canada (though I am currently in "exile" in the US... Damn bylaws...). This has probably become apparent due to my mannerisms, my diction and vernacular, and the fact that I have mentioned I was Canadian before (probably that last one). Now, given that, around here, we seem to get alot of people from exotic places, like South Africa, South America, and South Dakota, and these people proudly display this, I felt it was my duty to inform you all about the far away and magical land of Canada. I should probably note that really, its not so much a "moral duty" as it is a required one by the Canadian Self-Esteem act of 1953; It was because of not following it I was exiled from Canada (I forgot to mention one day that Vancouver was voted the most beautiful city on Earth), much like Mel Gibson in Mad Max 3, except there was more snow and I had a horse instead of a donkey.

Facts about (aboot?) Canda:

-Canada is, technically, the largest nation on Earth, given most of what is considered Russia are now independent states. The Canadian book of Facts confirms this, mentioning "I DONT GIVE A DAMN WHAT THE CIA FACTBOOK SAYS" before progressing into 3 pages of whining similar to what you might find in an emo kid's livejournal.

-Canada is considered one of the most beautiful and environmentally friendly nations on Earth, which we attribute to our can-do (CanaDo?) attitude and the fact our Igloo homes tend to melt around fossil fuel power plants.

-The only place in Canada that really says "aboot" and "buddeh" and such is PEI, but thankfully, people don't tend to visit places that are basically a rock sticking out of the water with alot of mosquitoes.

-Canadians do actually say eh alot, but it isn't as a cultural dialect; it is simply a sound that results as a side effect when communicating to our Canadian kin via our hive mind.

-Canadians do actually have a military, which is trained in the tactics of "How to use your guns to make a DIY house for homeless families in a war zone" and "How to survive friendly fire incidents with American Forces" and "Seriously, we lose more people in friendly-fire incidents by the Americans then we do to enemy fire".

-In Canada, people like William Shatner and Celine Dion are in our Hall of Fame.

-In Canada, "F" and "Sh" are often used interchangeably with one another.

-Canada had the world's largest peacekeeping force on Earth until the UN began ramping up its force with many recruits from France, Germany, and Poland. In other news, the Canadian peacekeeping force is soon expected to be deployed to the UN Peacekeeping force headquarters as a humanitarian effort.

-Quebec is the largest province in Canada. It is also by far the largest in terms of the scales of its douchebaggery.

-In Canada, we live by the code of Wuss-Shi-Do, also called "The way of the impossibly-polite pacifist". An example of its practice is the "Moose-Jaw-Eh Incident" of 1968 where an French tourist group complained that Canadians were overtly polite, which resulted in seventeen Canadians ritualistically killing themselves as an apology for being too polite.

-Canadians live a somewhat nomadic lifestyle, moving from place to place while harvesting Kraft Mac and Cheese and hunting polar bears with hockey sticks.

-Canadian women are considered exceedingly attractive and vied for by many people across the globe. Unfortunately, few manage to win their hearts due to their deaths in battle with the Rancor Beast, as is Canadian custom.

-Most films you see are filmed in Canada, and most of the more famous actors are Canadian; This is because we still are seeking redemption for allowing Shatner and Dion to live.

-Canadians put "u"s in many words which is why we say "favourite" instead of "favorite". Other examples of places where we do this is "color", "armor", and "Fck Fox News".

-About 34 million people live in Canada, which is less than the number of people in the greater Los Angeles area. Despite this, we are the top in bioengineering, aeronautical, and the nanotech fields (to name a few), have the most stable banking system on Earth, and one of the happiest nations on Earth. It is often believed Hitler and Stalin were killing so many people in a misguided attempt to achieve what Canada has (source: "Canadian Objective Book of History: Why we are so awesome")

-Canada is responsible for only one major atrocity (other then that whole "eugenics" and "sterilization" phase we went through, but that’s just part of growing up), that being Micheal J. Fox's involvement in Teen Wolf.

-It is common knowledge that Canadian medicine is socialized, but what is not common knowledge is that ours kicks so much more ass than any other country's. Like, you don't even know how much ass it kicks. SO much you guys. I fricking swear.

-Seriously, stop making up crap about our medical care Fox. JUST STOP IT. OUR SELF ESTEEM IS FRAGILE ENOUGH AS IT IS. WHY DO YOU SAY THINGS YOU KNOW WILL HURT US?

Editors Note: The Author of this article has been missing for three days, and still has not been found. He was last seen carrying a stake and mallet while muttering something about Fox News, tears mixed with what appeared to be mascara running down his cheeks. If found, please call the police, as he is to be considered extremely dangerous and perhaps just a tad retarded.

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