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"I'll Make a Man Out of You": The True Story Behind the Song

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A few nights ago I was laying back on my couch, watching Disney movies, as I tend to do when I'm drunk on toilet wine, when I happened upon a particular musical scene from Mulan: I'll Make a Man Out of You

Now, being the masterful critic that I am, I immediately surmised there was more to this song then met the eye; and, using my boundless tact and Aragon-level abilities of baseless deduction I have determined exactly what the song was about: Violent Homosexual Rape. Now, I know some of you may be on the fence on this one, but let me break down each line for you to give you what the songwriters were really trying to get across, so you can see what they had no doubt envisioned before Disney modeled it into a family-friendly song about sexism and racism.


Scene: A group of men are sitting alone in a bar, when a crazed, effeminate man suddenly bursts in through the doors, singing.


Let's get down to business

To defeat the Huns


...What the hell are you talking about? What Huns?


Did they send me daughters

When I asked for sons?


Wh- Okay... That's not creepy at all.


You're the saddest bunch

I ever met

But you can bet

Before we're through

Mister, I'll make a man

out of you


...Uh... What?


Tranquil as a forest

But on fire within


Okay, uh, guys, I think this guy might be coming onto us or something...


Once you find your center

you are sure to win


Oh sh*t.


You're a spineless, pale

pathetic lot

And you haven't got a clue


Okay, just start backing away slowly...


Somehow I'll make a man

out of you


What are you doOH MY GOD HE'S TAKING OFF HIS PANTS RUN FOR YOUR GODDAMN LIVES!


I'm never gonna catch

my breath


RUN! FLY YOU FOOLS!!!


Say good-bye to those

who knew me


If I get raped and murdered just (*panting*)... Just tell my family I died- that I died in literally any other way...


Boy, was I a fool in school

for cutting gym


Oh god, OH GOD HE'S GAINING ON ME


This guy's got 'em

scared to death


F*ck, I tripped! Wait, where are you guys going!? Don't leave me!


Hope he doesn't see

right through me


Ohmigodohmigodohmigod I've gotta hide somewhere


Now I really wish that I

knew how to swim


Dammit, if I only finished those lessons at the Y I could just cross this lake to safety- Wait... What was that?


(Be a man)

We must be swift as

the coursing river


F*CK ME! HE'S GOT ME!!!


(Be a man)

With all the force

of a great typhoon


NO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE! NOT THERE! NOT THERRRRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE


(Be a man)

With all the strength

of a raging fire


PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU STOP! WHY!? WHY!?


Mysterious as the

dark side of the moon


Oh god, you're going to kill me and leave me in a ditch where no one will ever find me, aren't you!?


Time is racing toward us

till the Huns arrive


(*Sobbing*) Wait... Are- are you saying your almost done? Please tell me you are... Please...


Heed my every order

and you might survive


Oh god, I'll do anything, just don't kill me... Wait, oh god, don't tell me you're going to... JESUS CHRIST!!! (*Pained screaming*)


You're unsuited for

the rage of war


(*Heavy sobbing*)


So pack up, go home

you're through


(*Still crying*) So... You're done with me? You're done with me, right? I just want to go home...


How could I make a man

out of you?


Wait... Oh sh*t, not again, NOT AGAIN- (*More horrifying screaming intercut with singing*)

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