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Gorvar reviews: X-men Origins: Wolverine

Gorvar September 29, 2010 User blog:Gorvar

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X-men Origins: Wolverine

[img] http://www.filmofilia.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/x_men_origins_wolverine_ver4.jpg[/img]

Hello everyone.

Well….yes, I’m going to review X-men Origins: Wolverine.

I remember seeing this in the cinema, I think we all did. At first we didn’t wish to believe the hate campaign we heard from the people who saw the leaked unfinished version that circled around the net. We didn’t believe that the Baraka knock off would be Deadpool.

I think we all remember the confusion when we left the cinema, and then the anger, the betrayal. This film which is supposed to be the definitive version of Wolverine’s past....ended up being worse then X-men 3, or hell Fantastic Four: the Rise of the Silver Surfer....okay I apologize, this film is still better then the Rise of the Silver Surfer, but not by much!

So, what sucked so much about this film? Let’s dive in shall we?


The plot is sucky at best. Don’t get me wrong, the beginning is freakin’ awesome! The film actually starts with a young James Howlett finding out his father has been killed by the groundskeeper, who was his real father all along!

The drama in my opinion was very well done, especially when Logan popped his claws out for the first time and charged at Thomas Logan, having made his first kill. Because of his powers he gets chased out of town with the groundskeeper’s son Victor, who would later become his arch nemesis Sabretooth.

I just love the intro of this film, even the intro credits were amazing. The action, the wars overlapping with each other and how with every war Victor slips into a more Feral state of mind while Logan has a harder time to keep his own rage in check and Victor’s. I liked the near rape of that Vietnamese woman, which is exactly like Creed is in the comics.

Of course this also means we skip over decades of good stories in favour in this pile of shit.

So after the awesome credits we got introduced to William Stryker who in this version doesn’t speak with an southern accent. I know it’s nitpicking but still.

Right both feral mutants get recruited into Team X, which is where the movie falls flat on it’s ass. Don’t get me wrong, I like the actors and I was pleasantly surprised with Will.I.Am’s performance.

And don’t get me started, Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson...bad ass dude. Seriously he nailed it and come the Deadpool movie I’ll be cheering for Ryan...if he finishes Green Lantern asap. Power Rings got nothing on the merc with a mouth! Anyway, Logan’s time with team X is way to short and to be quite fair, he didn’t do anything from what we saw. He was sitting in back, letting Wade and Blob do all the heavy stuff and push come to shove he just slapped his hands together and went ‘done, I’m outta ‘ere, later Viccy!’

So we cut six years later where we learn Sabretooth has been killing former members of team X...including Wade Wilson. Yeh, Ryan Reynolds is only in this film for 5 minutes! Betcha didn’t see that coming back in the theatre, neither did I!

Cut to Logan who has been having nightmares but finds solace with his girlfriend Silverfox. Yeeeeh...nothing bad is going to happen with her, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRVUOGUmxJI

Yeh anyone who read the comics or falls for action movie tripes would know that from a mile away. To be honest I think they should’ve made this movie R like in the tie-in game with Logan just tearing bitches apart with blood and guts flying around everywhere.

Seriously, the game begins with you slamming into a guy after falling 10 000 feet from your crashing plane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EocXtLAAAc

Now THAT would’ve been hardcore. Then again if we stuck to the comics Silverfox’s death wouldn’t have been very PG.....grrrr....dumb kids getting in the way of my gore fest movies...

Anyways Silverfox gets killed by Sabretooth (ORLY?) and Logan goes after him. Of course he gets his as handed to him and is left for dead, until Stryker arrives and asks Logan to join a little experiment which would amplify his claws.

Now the Adamantium scene is very awesome and I don’t have anything bad to say about it. Besides I think that scene was the main reason (Seeing Hugh Jackman nude) why the female folk went to see that film in the first place amirite?

Hey, no offense to my female readers, I think hugh is pretty hot to. In a none gay way of course..totally....cough...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j4t185wl-0

BACK TO THE MOVIE!

After escaping Weapon X (which totally should not have happened) Logan meets up with the Kent Family, I mean the Hudson family (seriously they don’t get named in the film save the credits and get killed off five minutes later). We get some bounding time, which is kinda sweet, but it becomes nullified immediately when Agent Zero (Who does not resemble Maverick at all, little hint film makers Asians do not look like East Germans!) kills them with a gleefull smile.

Yeh...okay...a professional hitman enjoys killing innocent old people first before he actually decides to take a shot at his supposed target. The hell did Stryker get this guy from, in fact I’m not even sure he was a mutant! If you claim shooting very good is a mutant power I would kindly ask you to slap yourself in the face. Domino doesn’t count! Anyways Logan kills that guy, being all bad ass about it and then goes to Las Vegas to meet back up with Will.I.Am and find out where Creed is so he can all Wolverine on his ass.

There is also a Cyclops cameo but to be honest at this point they keep throwing in cameo’s it’s not even funny anymore. Oh look it’s Cyclops, oh look it’s the Blob! Later on they got even obscure and thrown in Quicksilver, QUICKSILVER!

Who else besides us know who Quicksilver is?! Heck Emma Frost makes a cameo to but instead of being a psychic she can transform into crystal, y’know, her SECOND mutant power which only unlocked after Genosha?

You know....I don’t know if Gavin Hood or the writer to this garbage was doing us a favour with these fan only cameos, since they sure as hell aint going the 616 verse way. Anyways back to the plot, we find out Blob let himself go, hence really becoming the Blob, and after a fight with Logan sends him and Wraith to some place to go find Gambit who knows where the island is where Victor is supposed to be hiding.

Oh Gambit....gambit, gambit, gambit..... I don’t know about this guy. He does a ok job with the accent, but he seems to keep picking it up and dropping it throughout the movie. Either do the accent or GTFO, don’t piss me off.

Anyways Logan and Victor meet again after the later kills Wraith ( in a rather cool way but at this point you shrug if someone gets wacked). The due fight but dumbass Gambit brakes up the fight so Victor can run away like a pu....wait...Victor running from a fight?

If I recall Victor rarely runs away from a fight, if anything he would’ve leaped on the Cajun and tore him a new one! So he runs off, letting Logan and Gambit duke it out. Logan beats Gambit’s southern ass and forces him to take him to the island.

On the plane trip there (which he won from a card game a la Han Solo with the Millennium Falcon) the two become friends.....for some reason, and Logan jumps out at high spot, hitting the water several times hard, but in the next scene he is completely dry.

Wow, next to a healing factor and a bone claw thing, Logan has a drying power as well!

Inside the nuclear power plant Stryker has on loan from Montgomery Burns no doubt, Logan finds out Wade isn’t really dead...but has been transformed into Barakapool, a mutant with the powers of all other mutants. No, I’m not calling that Deadpool.

http://www.samruby.com/Heroes/Deadpool/Deadpool02Shot.gif

THIS is Deadpool.

http://www.bearotic.com/img/2009/03/xmen-origins-deadpool-weapon-xi.jpg

This...this is not Deadpool!

In fact, in the film, this should’ve happened! http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10959/deadpool-kills-movie-version.jpg

I just made this review more awesome, your welcome.

Anyways at this point we find out Silverfox wasn’t really dead since she wanted to save her sister, blab la bla, Logan goes on a hissifit but comes back when she gets double-crossed and Victor nearly kills her. So he goes off to free the captured mutants

On the way he comes across Barakapool.

Hmmm...this scene reminds me of another crappy movie...cant recall...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAEwXWZvON0

Oh yeeeeeeeeeeh....moving on.

So Barakapool and Wolverine fight on top of the nuclear power plant, it sounds cooler then it actually is, where Victor comes to help his brother in a rather okaysome (Not really awesome, but rather okay) back to back way.

Deep down the secondary characters have a little adventure which ends with Silverfox getting shot. Gee, I wonder if this means she really dies this time? Anyway being a total dumbass she goes back for Logan while her sister Emma Frost.....yes Silverfox and Fros are sisters now, didn’t you catch the memo?

I don’t get this bit though, I mean...these are all mutants with godlike powers, why don’t they go back and wail on Barakapool? Or raise this place to the ground, Quicksilver is there, why doesn’t he run back with Silverfox?

And if Barakapool does indeed have powers from all the captured mutants, how come he doesn’t use their powers like speed, wind, ice and all that shit to take Logan out? Ah screw it, the movie is almost over.

Logan kills Barakapool, Victor pulls an Doctor Klaw (I’ll get you next time Wolverine, next time...)and leaps off the crumbling structures that actually should flood the entire area in radiation. Oh Mister Burns will be piiiiiiiised.

Unless he pulls a Smithers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETtNNZ_chFA&p=85FC7875F4D0B02B&playnext=1&index=22

Anyways Stryker finds Logan picking up the wounded Silverfox, but shoots him with what I dub ‘Amnesia Bullets’. Why Amnesia bullets, Because if you shoot the bullet in Logan’s head he losses his memory!

Why? Because science says so! Wow, shame those bullets are made of adamantium, I would love to have some.

Anyways Logan has amnesia, Silverfox dies after she used her powers to send Stryker on a walk like Forrest Gump (why didn’t she just kill the guy?) and Patrick Stewart makes a horrible cameo as he picks the freed mutants up.

There are two scenes after the credits, one with Logan in a bar in japan, which I dig a lot, and one with Barakapool going shhhhhh.

So...how does this film hold up?

Two words.

IT SUCKS!

Good points:

  • The Actors doing a rather good job and there are quite a few talented actors in here, but none really shine besides Ryan Reynolds in his 30 seconds of awesomeness in this film.
  • The Action is okay at places and I did like the beginning of the film.
  • The Japan ending was very awesome and although it’s sequel bait, it’s a very good one with a High Jackman who really got into the loner Logan style.
  • The Adamantium bonding scene
  • Nude Hugh Jackman

Bad Points:

  • Cameos crawling up the woodworks
  • Characters dying five minutes after their introduction
  • Characters dying after barely getting to know them
  • Lack of respect to the comics
  • Barakapool
  • Sabretooth not having given a good reason not to remember Wolverine in X-men I
  • Action mostly sucked at places
  • Barakapool
  • Not really feeling worry about Logan since it’s a prequel film
  • Barakapool
  • Barakapool!

Conclussion: If you like to see Hugh Jackman nude and some good action, pick this one up...as a rental, or go look up the good scenes on youtube.

But don’t waste ten dollars on this, Hugh did his best, I get that and I hope the sequel will be a lot better.

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