Transformer 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Transformer 2: Revenge of the Fallen is a disappointment to all transformer fans out there. Optimus Prime is not the same Autobot we once knew, we learned Predacons do fuck and that the humans are the (unwanted) stars of the franchise. Also Micheal Bay is rapidly becoming known as the rich version of Uwe Boll.
That’s my entire review in a nutshell, but I guess you lot would like me to go deeper into this pile o’ metallic shit right? Alright then, grab your shit free goggles and let’s dive in!
Before I start yes I did see the first movie and I thought it was okay, other then the Bumblebee pee-ing on the secret agent guy and Optimus actually saying ‘my bad’. It had action, it didn’t had to many characters and I loved how they did Bumblebee’s way of communication. And shit blew up, you cant go wrong there...right?
First of this movie brings in to many fucking Autobots and they all look the fucking same! You cant even recognize the difference between Autobots and Decepticons anymore. No symbol or bright colours (Autobot) vs black colours (Decepticon), fucking nothing!
And Optimus might as well be called ‘Sir not appearing in this film’ because he has little to no screen time in favour for Sam Witwicky’s mum eating fucking space cake and dogs fucking.
Let me repeat that for you....Transformers 2 focuses on dogs fucking and people eating space cake. What, a intergalactic war that raged over millennia? Pppffff what have you been smoking son? This is Transformers, sure we got some robots but we only care about the humans really.
That’s my first gripe with this flick, enough with the fucking humans! We don’t care how they feel or how Sam is the chosen one, we want Optimus and Megatron going at it with fucking lasers and mace/ax’s!
If there was one thing I loved about Beast Wars, a spin off of the Transformers franchise, is that weren’t any humans in it! Yes we had primates which would later evolve into homo sapiens ( Time travel stories are cool btw) but that wasn’t the heart of the show! It dealt with the Maximals and the Predacons trying to survive on a alien world, where one moment a foe could become a friend or friend become foe. You had honest to god character development and relationships blossom.
My favourite was Rat-trap, a Maximal who could transform from a Rat to a robot, and Dinobot, a Predacon that could transform into a raptor who switched sides. In the beginning these two didn’t get along at all, calling each other names (Vermin and Chopper face respectively) and distrusting each other, but as the seasons proceeded they became the ebst of friends and bailed each other out in though positions. When Dinobot died Ratrap was the one who was affected the most by Dinobot’s death and actually went on a near suicidal mission to get Dinobot’s clone to the AMximal side just so his friend might come back. I’m not the only one, you can ask everyone who watched Beast Wars.
Wait A minute, what the hell am I talking about Beast Wars for, this is called ‘Gorvar reviews: Transformers 2’. Fuck this movie, fuck it!
Anyway let’s get started...
The movie begins two years after the first one where we see the Autobots working together with the humans to take down any surviving Decepticons on Earth. When I saw this film the first time that scene first shocked me...then pissed me off.
First off, the outside world has no idea the Transformers exist, like at all. You remember the first film yeh, the climax at the city where the three forces due it out over the Allspark?
A huge public fight that no doubt was photographed on all sides or filmed and uploaded to Youtube? Yeh it didn’t happen, at all.
The American government, why always the Americans I mean come on, kept everything under tight wraps and makes sure news like that doesn’t get leaked out. Alright asshole, you want to play it that way, let’s dance shall we?
First off there is a ancient invention called TALKING. People talk, that’s how we communicate. If a entire city saw that fight they will talk about it! Ok if one person talks about it the outside world can call him/her a looney, but if you have a entire fucking city talking about it, then it’s a totally other story.
Also I find it HARD to believe nobody wouldn’t upload a movie of REAL giant robots fighting and brag about it to their mates. There is no way you could’ve kept that fight under wraps, not by a fucking longshot.
But the worst thing is, according to this film these fights have been going on for two years! TWO YEARS! I don’t care how dumb you think your audience is, but if you have a fucking robot fight in shang hai, people will have seen it! You can come up with all kinds of explanations, like swamp gas reflected by the moon, you cant hide GIANTS ROBOTS FIGHTING!
But that’s not the worst bit. You know what’s even worse? I’ll tell you... OPTIMUS KILLS A WOUNDED DEFENSELESS DECEPTICON.
Optimus Prime, the prime example of a force of good that combats evil on honourable terms, shoots a defenceless Decepticon in the face! I’m not kidding, that’s what he does. Optimus would never do that, don’t get me wrong he shoots and ax-slashes bitches to pieces, but he wouldn’t kill a un-armed prisoner!
Not even on Cybertron did he do that! Yeh the war was ruthless, but instead of killing any prisoners he locked them up and interrogated them later. Not fucking killing them! And don’t tell me ‘But the humans cant hold them, they lack the sophisticated technology to do so.’
.... Megatron was locked up, in a DAM! Don’t bullshit me, they can lock the decepticons up and use them later for intel.
Ghaargh, this movie hasn’t even reached the fifteen minute mark and I hate it already... Anyways before the Decepticon dies he tells them ‘The Fallen’ is coming. Don’t get your hopes up it’s Unicron, Micheal Bay is to stupid to use him and actually make a epic movie.
We cut to Sam Witwicky played by Shia Lebuttfuck who somehow isn’t going off with Indianna Jones to find alien skulls. He prepares to go to College and...i’m not doing it. I don’t care about the fucking humans! And Megan Fox isn’t even that hot!
You can call me a herectic, but seriously, she’s not that hot! Hell Summer Glau is even hotter then her! And a better actrice to...
Anyway, Shia Lebuttfuck finds a piece of the Allspark which turns half the house’s electronically into murderous minicons. What does he do with that piece? Give it to his Transformer friends, hide it somewhere only he knows? No of course not, we are talking about the guy who fought demons remember!
He probably has something more bad ass in mind, like giving the piece of the Allspark that no doubt will attract the attention of every Decepticon on the universe TO HIS GIRLFRIEND. I’m dead serious, it’s stupidity beyond scale. Why the fuck do you want to do that?!
One of your friend is Optimus fucking Prime, he can keep it safe! Why the hell do you want to give it to her?!
Oh, to have pointless scenes like that >.> Here is the thing, I couldn’t find any films of Shia ceiling humping the floor in Constantine, but oh Megan Fox’ strip in Transformers, hundreds of videos. I fucking hate mankind...
Anyways Lebuttfuck is even more suicidal as he decides that Bumblebee (who somehow lost his voice again despite him having regained it in the last film) who just defended him from the killer minicons mind you, SHOULD STAY BEHIND.
What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Does he wants to do, why the hell is he ‘The Chosen One’? Neo made more sense, Link made sense, Paul Atreides made sense, hell I can even buy that kid from Captain N is the chosen one, but not him, not Shia Lebuttfuck! How far are we in....oh god I’m not going to survive this review.
Anyways after the dog fucking and space cake scenes, we go into more detail about the Autobot/Human task force. There is this one high up guy whom I call Mr. Asshole who blames the Autobots for the destruction they cause during the fights and suggests to his superiors to tell them to leave the planet.
Urghm...Mister Asshole....come here a second...
THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
These guys are your only line of defence when the Decepticons come back and decide to nuke you all back to the stone ages! Yeh the fights make a lot of damage and yeh it’s hard to keep the media out of it, people HAVE to get smart sometime amirite, but here’s the thing..THEY ARE GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS FROM SPACE WITH LASERS!
Of course they’ll make loads of damage, you ever seen Angel Grove after the Power Rangers beat off a attack from Rita? Don’t be such a pussy and man up! Worst of all his superiors actually listen to him! I’ve seen more military accuracy in fucking ‘Mars Attacks’!
Especially when a Tiger like Decepticon (like Tigertron from Beast-Wars) breaks into a army base and steals a piece of the Allspark and use it to revive Megatron who is dumped in the middle of the ocean at the end of the last film where he is supposed to be torn apart by the sea pressure. So how come his body is still intact after two years of rusting, Mr. Bay? Care to answer that? No, WELL FUCK YOU!
So Megatron is back and he goes to space where his legs get humped by Starscream and the other Decepticons, until ‘The Fallen’ appears with no sense of drama at all. He just sits there in a throne, and bam, done, here is your antagonist for the film.
You people remember Star Wars: Episode IV where we got introduced to Darth Vader? How he stepped out of boarding craft after the smoke settled and his breathes scared the shit out of us? THAT is how you introduce a villain!
Why do I keep referring to good movies?
Anyways back to Shia we find out there is this chick who is actually a decepicon who tries to lay with him so she can suck the information out of him about the All Spark and the symbols he keeps seeing. Yeh, sucking information out of him....whatever, I saw better Robot girl acting in Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles.
There is a chase scene where Sam, his girlfriend and his friend, whom I shall dub Shaggy because he fulfils the eternal coward role for this film, drive away from a Decepticon. Starscream shows up and kidnaps the three and takes them to Megatron who hides out in a WAREHOUSE in the MIDDLE OF A CITY!
How could no-one see him enter that place? I mean really?! It even gets better later on when Starscream and Megs have dialogues on rooftops like in Clerks or if your desperate, the Room by Tommy Wassau.
Anyways Optimus and Co show up, they save Sam and his friends, but eventually Optimus after taking down half a dozen Predacons single handily dies in a blaze of glory when Megatron kills him.
After Optimus died The Fallen decides to take over the world of course and sends out a message to the people via internet and tv that he wants Sam Witwicky and he might spare their lives.
It’s around this point we get introduced to the fucking twins Skid and Mudflap. You remember my Dungeons and Dragons review, Snails? They act so African Americain and so ‘homeboi’ like it’s not even funny, in fact it’s fucking racist! They’re not funny, we want them to die a horrible death, why the hell are they with the main characters we don’t give a shit about?!
Anyways they go to a Museum where there’s a friendly old Deception called Jetfire and...
Give me a minute.
Bashing your head against your keyboard is expensive, as is throwing your remote to the tv.
Anyway Mecha Scrooge Mcduck tells them that the Fallen can only be killed by a Prime, because he was a Prime himself but turned on the others when he tried to burn out a sun to collect Energon from it, but the planet was inhabited and was not allowed.
There was a war over the planet in which the good guys won and the Fallen was banished while the other Primes sacrificed themselves to protect the Matrix of Leadership which can revive Optimus.
It sounds cool, and it actually is really, but of course knowing this film it soon gets de-evolved back to Micheal Bay shit.
At the tomb which was previously used to film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Must stop referring good movies...) they find the Matrix and contact the army guys to drop in Optimus so he can be revived.
Thing is though, Shia couldn’t convince them first while back in the first film the army guys KNOW he is the chosen one. Why the hell they are giving him a hard time now I don’t know. To increase tension perhaps? Well it failed if you fuck up characters all the time and throw away their very identities, even Bays own characters act out of character compared to the first film.
Anyways the Decepticons find out, big action scene which lasts just as long as the Battle for Minas Tirith, only a lot less dramatic and with robots, where the party tries to get to Optimus’ body.
They get there, but just at that moment Shia gets hit and he dies.
Yes, now can...movie is still not over? FUCK!
Anyway after he goes to robot heaven....
I’m serious, he goes to robot heaven to talk to the Primes for some reason. What reason, I dunno...he’s the Chosen one who will bring peace to Arrakis? Whatever, anyways he comes back and revives Optimus who is pissed off.
He combines with Jetfire in a AWESOME scene, which is the best one in the film, where he flies off and lays down the law to both Megatron and the Fallen. He even rips off the Fallen’s face! Ok, that’s a bit gory...but bad ass. Small problem...it’s to fucking short! He’s barely been combined for like a minute until he wacks the Fallen and Megatron runs like a little bitch.
Linkin Park plays a tune and the movie ends with Sam and Optimus standing side by side on a Air carrier.
So.....my take on this film?
It’s fucking bullshit!
This film doesn’t respect the source material, it jumps around like crazy, really the warehouse bit jumps from the city to a forest in like a millisecond, and there is no Character devlopment in this film at all, other then Shia Lebuttfuck’s character we don’t give two shits about.
My opinion? Stay away from this movie and if you want to see a live Transformers film go see the first one. It’s not great, but it’s Shindler’s list compared to this fucking bullshit.