Gorvar reviews



Hello everyone. As you can see above, i’m going to review Star Wars Episode I. Why you ask? Hasn’t everyone beat on this dead horse enough? Redletter Media has done a review on the prequels, so has the Distressed Watcher and Iron Liz and so on and so forth, hell even the Spoony One has!

Will that stop me? No! you know why? Because this movie SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN MADE!

Don’t get me wrong, I love Star Wars, I’m sure every single one of you who reads this at least has seen the original three. The Empire strikes back is probably my favourite film out of those three because of Darth Vader and the Hoth fight scene!

So why am I going to bitch on this film? Well simple, this film screwed up the entire series! Seriously, you cant deny how sucky this film is.


To get this out of the way, I have no plans to review all three prequel films for a few reasons.

First of Episode II and III are NOT that bad. Yes the romance felt forced and I could have been done differently. Palpatine’s rise to power in Episode I and II would have made better sense if done different and so forth.

Second, the films gave birth to the Clone Wars which is my favourite war in the Star Wars trilogy simply because of the Clone Troopers. I don’t care what you say about them, they are fucking hardcore!


I said this before in my Clone Wars review, so I’ll keep it short. They are romantic heroes. They are born and trained to kill and die for the Republic, a entity they will never become a full part of and will never understand. You feel pity for them because they have nothing else to look forward to ,except the next mission.

Also Hayden Christensen isn’t that bad a actor. I like to compare him to Sylvester Stallone. He’s a method actor, don’t give him to many lines and he’ll do your ass kicking, no problem. Did you guys even see the final fight in Episode III? It kicked ASS!

But right I’m digressing....why do I hate episode I then? Oh several reasons....


Honestly people, this film is BORING. The entire plot handles about a blockade set up by a Trade federation around a planet, making people on said planet starve and the Senate is to powerless to stop it. So two Jedi get send over to deal with this mess, but end up getting caught in a plot set up by the Sith to take control over the Republic which ends up with finding Anakin Skywalker, replace the Supreme Chancellor with the future Emperor, return to the planet WITHOUT ANY BACK-UP and fight off the Trade federation and uncover the Sith are back.

Now it doesn’t sound good, it sound sucky. My beef with this film...

Problem 1: The Galactic Republic, a political body that houses MILLIONS of worlds cant handle one stupid barricade problem? We’re talking about a government that can either pay off the Trade Federation to disband the blockade or use military force if needed.

No I don’t believe the bullshit reason they don’t have a army, anyone who played Knights of the Old Republic knows they got a epic Navy and Army. Yes it was 3000 years ago, but you would be a complete idiot to disband it!

If you have a galactic republic that spans over millions of worlds, your going to have planets that will rebel all over the place and you need to send troops to either return the peace or quell the unrest, or you need a army to defend yourself from threats, such as pirates or Mandolorians. That’s politics 101.


Also never once are we seen this so called ‘corruption’ in the Senate which makes this barricade ‘legal’. Not once! We’re being told there is, but there isn’t! it doesn’t add up! Seriously the Naboo storyline didn’t need to have happened, is it because of this event we get to meet Anakin Skywalker by a whim of the Force?! No, I don’t think so!

Seriously the Senate meetings in the alter part of the film are dumb and frustrating, especially when the Trade Federation defend themselves. I just imagine myself being there, throw a can over to that guy’s head screaming-

‘ The hell are you doing?! You cant blockade a planet if you need money, blockading them means you’ll get LESS money of them because you stop trade you retard! Also why the hell are you bitching about money?! You have a god damn droid army there! Why do you need a droid army, or a attack fleet of ships! They don’t seem like Trade ships?! You sir are an idiot as so is every Senator who believes the bullshit your giving us. I bid you good day!’

And the Chosen One crap doesn’t stick with me. Not ONCE did Obi-Wan or Yoda told Luke his father was supposed to be this Chosen One who would bring balance to the force. Not fucking once. Yoda didn’t even go ‘Yes, fucked up we indeed. Your father, the Chosen One was supposed to be. Still nightmares about it I have. When you hear next of Chosen One, cut the bitch’s head off, you must. Big trouble it’ll save you, trust me.’

Also Jedi’s are supposed to be celibate....yeh, that’s stupid and retarded. How the hell do you plan to get more Jedi?! Your kidnapping babies from their parents! If a Jedi couple have a baby, he or she could be teached in the force. That’s what I like in the later novels based after the movies where the main characters settle down and their children play a huge part in the stories.

If Anakin was allowed to marry Padme, none of this mess would ever have happened! You could’ve given it a more awesome twist, like Padme become part of a anti Republic/Imperial party and is forced to leave her husband to save her and her unborn children as it becomes to dangerous to be affiliated with the Jedi or the more ‘rebellious’ organizations of the ‘old’ Republic.

I just don’t understand the scope of it all, this movie could’ve been easily by-passed and we could’ve started with Episode II. All we get from this film is a Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul, who is the sole saving grace in this film. Which brings me to this.


Again, BORING and in fact Anakin Skywalker, the future Darth Vader, the scourge of the a whining little mary sue character. Qui Gon Jin, played by Liam Neilson, is a okay character but he makes to many mistakes that any mentor character could make.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like the idea of a Jedi that bends the rules a bit to his favour and defies the Jedi council to follow what he thinks is the right option.

( A awesome what-if would have been what if Qui-Gon survived Episode I and joined into the Clone Wars, who’s side would he be? Separatists who know the Republic is hopelessly corrupt or with the Jedi because it’s their duty to protect the Republic? )

However he makes unneeded risks such as splitting up in different dropships in a PLANETERY INVASION! Qui-Gon...there are things called ‘continents’ and they’re very far apart from each other. If your ship goes to...let’s say the north part of the planet and your padawan’s to the south....well good luck trying to find each other! BECAUSE IT WILL BE TO GOD DAMN IMPOSSIBLE! THIIIIIIINK!


Another good example is to bet the entire ship they have from their little escape from Naboo, on a podrace so they can have the money to buy the parts they need to repair the ship and set their course back to Coruscant.

Why is that a problem? Simple....they are betting on a ten year old pilot with some force-sensitivity who’s last race ended up in him nearly getting killed. Yeh, Qui Gon is not the brightest crayon in the box. Kinda hard to believe his padawan is Obi-wan...

Oh yes Anakin.....look I know what direction George Lucas was going with him. We have to feel bad for Darth Vader. We have to cry at Episode III as this small innocent little boy turns into the galaxy’s most evil man, at the cost of him losing his wife and his children being taken away from him.

Which makes this movie kinda creepy. We know this ten year old kid eventually falls in love and ahs babies with Natalie Portman. I know Amidala is...what, sixteen in this movie’s setting, but the actress is WELL over her 20-ties.

Makes me shudder....

I don’t have anything against Obi-Wan Kenobi, in fact he is the sole voice of reason to Qui-Gon’s bat shit insanity. Same goes with Darth Maul, seriously that guy was one bad ass Sith warrior, even more so then Count Dooku!

He doesn’t talk much, his eyes are filled with hatred and he wields a awesome double bladed light sabre. Awesome!

Also I don’t know why people hate Jar Jar Binks, maybe it’s because I’m European and I don’t mind his uselessness? Yeh he can be annoying, but so were the Ewoks in RotJ!


The Force

In Episode 5 we get told by Yoda the Force is some kind of mystical source of power that surrounds everything and everyone. The Jedi and the Sith are able to tap into that mystical source and can use it to their advantage.

They can jump higher then usual, push their foes away, force choke someone, use their light sabres as a boomerangs....

We’re supposed to believe this mystical source, this magic if you will could be tapped by anyone if they focused hard enough in it....imagine our surprise in Phantom Menace when we’re told it’s just bacteria.

YES the same thing that gives you a flu or a stomach bug can also allow you to become a Jedi. How much of a slap in the face is that bullshit?! It’s like when you find out Santa Clause isn’t real and it was your parents who gave presents all along!


It felt like a cop out by Lucas, it shouldn’t have to be explained. You could’ve left it open! Like the ending of Blade Runner! Well I think the ending was open ended....that movie was weird....Ok, Cloverfield then! Did the characters make it out or not, yeh, okay we stick with that one.

The Final Battle

Oh, I really hate the climax of this film, we have to follow FOUR battles in it with only one of them being awesome. Three guesses which one? Let me give you a doesn’t have the annoying Anakin Skywalker in it nor the other characters you don’t give a shit about.

I’ll give you three seconds to think about it. ... Time’s up, it’s Qui-Gon and Obi-wan Vs Darth Maul. Seriously you have wade through the three other fights and wait for the good bits.

Do you honestly care if Anakin gets a boo boo? We know he’ll life because he’s supposed to become Darth fucking Vader! And he keeps making god damn jokes about it! Kid people are dying and your screwing around like a god damn ten year....oh......nevermind!

Conclusion: Stay the hell away from this film, it’s not worth your money, you want to see a good epic SF movie, go watch the Original Trilogy.

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