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After my recent breakdown at the hands of FF VIII I decided to recuperate while watching my favourite movie of all time, Jurassic Park. The 1993 blockbluster which made Dinosaurs famous and the T-Rex the most favourite dinosaur of all time.
I saw this film when I was 3 years old, and I still have nightmares about it, but I just love it so much. The special effects were amazing, the electronics were at their best and the actors weren’t half that bad. In fact Jeff Goldblum’s character Ian Malcolm inspired me to become the snarky bastard you know and love.
So, why am I reviewing this film if I Love it so much? Simple...i’m not. In fact I’ll review another film which has been made to cash in on Jurassic Park’s success 8 years later.
Raptor is a 2001 film directed by Jim Wynorski, a director who’s known to direct exploitation films, the man is equal to Bruno Matei whom you might know from Porno Holocaust , SS girls aka Private house for the SS and predator rip off Strike Commando. So why am I reviewing this one instead of Jurassic Park? Well...I need something to bitch about, point and laugh and what better then a exploitation movie?
Apparently Raptor is actually part four in a series called ‘Carnosaur’ thus making this Carnosaur 4: Raptor. However the DVD case I got this from just says Raptor, making this a separate film in continuity from the other movies. Which doesn’t matter much since all four movies have nothing in common except dinosaurs running a prehistoric rampage after escaping from some lab.
So why bother making a series if none of it are connected? It’s like the Resident Evil series suddenly stop throwing in Umbrella corp in their games and stop using zombies as a result.
Also the cover on the front? Lies. Seriously the Raptor on the cover, ripped off from Jurassic Park, is nowhere to be seen in the movie. In fact this is how they look like!
Strap yourselves in ladies and gents, this movie is going to suck so hard it will be awesomely bad! Let’s roll!
The story begins in a dessert where we see a couple of canon fo-I mean innocent teenagers smoking/drinking/listening to bad music/fornicating in their jeep when they suddenly get attacked by a Raptor. The attack on the teens with the resulting blood and guts is just horribly hysterical.
The ‘Raptor’ is clearly a handheld puppet, since 3d was to classy in 2000-fucking-1, and the resulting intestines flying around is just so over the top it’s stupid. I mean even the arm from Samuel L Jackson from Jurassic Park looked more real then these guys.
The first five minutes and you know in what kind of movie you are, isn’t this great?
A few hours later we meet our main character, Sherriff Tanner played by Eric Roberts who does the redneck version of CSI with the animal control officer Barbara played by some blonde tart whose boobs nearly put Pamela Anderson to shame. Let’s just say acting wise.....yeah, even my mum in my short piece ‘Vendetta’ did a better job then her and I got a F for that one.
They find the corpses of the youths and find some traces of the Raptor while there is an eery screech in the distance. What’s funny is Barbara estimates of the tracks the beasty was between 150-200 pounds...which is a hell of a lot bigger of the muppet we saw earlier.
Cut to our main antagonists in this movie, the mad scientist Dr. Hyde played by Corbin Bernsen. I’m dead serious...the guy’s name is Doctor Hyde. Trust me, he and Dr. Frankenstein were good room mates back in Evil College. Dr. Hyde went on to recreate Dinosaurs and Dr. Frankenstein went on to create an army.
I know, i’m sad….
Anyway Dr. Hyde follows the old school way of villainy, by sending his minions who suddenly object morally to his MAD SCIENCE by feeding him to his T-Rex. You cant go wrong with a T-Rex garbage disposal! What I love about this scene is that the guy is so gullible to follow the Doctor to see something cool just shortly after he said he wanted to quit. ‘Why yes of course you can leave. No I don’t have any bad feelings, why don’t you head that laser lid way to the T-rex, urgh I mean the exit yes.’ Seriously this guy who is supposed to be a scientist is even dumber then Bulk and Skull.
Anyway Dr. Hyde is creating dinosaurs because......urghm.....they are cool? Seriously the movie gives no explanation why he’s doing this. No mention of a amusement park on a island off the coast of Costa Rica, no mention of a dinosaur army to conquer the world.....
There are some screens of the dino’s killing and eating people but who cares anyway. Let’s head on over to the sheriff’s daughter, Lola who’s sole purpose in this movie is to provide more eye candy to the male viewers next to Barbara. Now I don’t care what everyone says, the actress who plays Lola is by FAR hotter then Megan Fox. I’m not going to lie, Lorissa McComas has surgery herself and her acting isn’t top notch.....but I like her more. If only because she puts out.
Unfortunately, as in every horror film, having sex attracts Serial killers/Alien/Predators/Mystical Beings/ Demons and so on and so forth which ends up with generic bad boyfriend to get nom nom nom nom-ed up while Lola speeds away. For some reason this Raptors seems to be able to catch up with the speeding vehicle. Wow, not even the Roadrunner on speed was this fast!
So Lola falls out of the truck and crashes the truck of the bridge with a fiery explosion! One problem....the truck that tumbles off was not the truck she was driving, in fact the quality of the shot is even worse! Someone come quick, they’re crashing stock footage! I’m not sure if the Raptor survived or not, but I think not since if Lola fell out of the truck she would’ve been ate.
Again I don’t know why this Raptor is attacking people ALL THE TIME. I mean tigers or Lions dont attack people all the time, they only need to be fed once in a while and other times they just shoo them off their territory. Yet this guy/gal/dinosaur goes off killing people left and right. He cant be hungry all the time , unless his metabolism requires it so because he is cloned.....
Oh great this movie has me thinking for it! Stupid, stupid movie!
Lola is found and brought to a hospital where she is in a coma of sorts because of the bad sex she had...or the Raptor eating her boyfriend. I don’t know, one of the two. Of course the sheriff doesn’t like that and goes off on a mission of vengeance to kill some prehistoric mothers. Shit just got real!
So the sheriff and Barbara head over to the lab to ask some hard questions to Dr. Hyde, but of course they got nothing. See Hyde should’ve send them to the T-Rex exit and he would’ve been done with it, but noooooooooo the movie has to last a bit longer >.> While they were snooping around Barbara hears the T-Rex roar, which is the same of the Raptor from the day before(?) and realizes what to do.
Yes, the vet suddenly gains medical expertise about the human psyche and realizes making the same sound of the animal that nearly killed Lola will break her out of her coma! Of course, it makes total sense! However personally I have something else she could’ve used to wake me up.
Oh yeh......what? Me, Morrigan and Edea have a open relationship!
Anyway they wake her up and Lola has been promoted to Ser Not-appearing-in-this-film. Yup, one of the two main good points of this movie has left the film. What, you think the dinosaurs were any good?
But don’t worry, Barbara gives us a good view of her bra and panties choice before a jump scare with a dog. Huh...oddly enough this reminds me of that scene in Alien.
[img]http://www.dogsindepth.com/sporting_dog_breeds/images/golden_retriever_4.jpg[/img] Jonsey you are not.
While the Sherriff goes off on a stake out on the evil laboratory, the black deputy on call gets a phone call about some guy that escaped earlier is back in town. Of course not doing the logical thing and asking for back up, the black guy goes off and finds himself in combat with a raptor.
Place your bets! Who will win? The black deputy with a shotgun with little to no backstory or the monster that’s supposedly the movie is based on? Place your bets now!
And we’re back! The results are in. 99% of you say the monster will win and 1% says the black deputy, note there is a one percent fault margin. Let’s watch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRidnb5Na1k (skip to 0: 18 )
Ooooh, it was SO close to! The no prize goes to...you guys! Give yourselves a round of applause! Well done, guys, well done!
Anyway the next day at the morgue....yes, the black guy is at the morgue despite the fact there were only three maybe four cops in the area and two of them got killed over the course of this movie soooooo......i’m guessing they have like some teleporter or something that magically ports them to the morgue when they die, like the Exiles. Well speaking of Marvel it seems the raptor has a healing factor like Wolverine since he seemed to have shrugged off a shotgun wound.
Wow, a army of regenerative dinosaurs....damn that would be awesome!
The Sherriff contacts his friends at the FBI, what the cops are friends with the feds? Wow Southpark lied to me....Anyway the FBI then asks Dr. Hyde if he stole some DNA from INGEN and decided to make dinosaurs because...why not. Of course Dr. Hyde says no, but the Sherriff knows better.
With his sheer awesomeness of being a small town cop he grabs a search warrant from his office, no judge needed because he is bad ass, and calls the power company to shut off the power to the laboratory in an hour. You don’t mess with Sherriff Tanner!
The Terminator, Robocop, Rambo....pussies compared to this guy.
He and Barbara, why is she supposed to be there anyway, go to the lab and bring Dr. Hyde down for great justice. When Hyde asks why he would be under arrest the Sherriff claims he found evidence on the internet claiming Hyde is a bad, bad man who has a spotty history of ethics violations, cancelled funding, etc. So, what? Next time I want to do a citizens arrest on someone I have to check him out first on Wikipedia to get my evidence? I’m sorry but if I would use Wikipedia as a source I would get kicked out of my university, let alone use it to arrest a guy!
Of course Dr; Hyde goes all evil insane and science is great and bla bla bla and locks the two heroes in a locker. AGAIN, why not use your T-rex exit?! Your already screwed anyway! Might as well enjoy your Dinosaur when you can!
Anyway when the power cuts out the Army arrives....for some reason and we get some awesome....well...medio...adequat.....it sucks. Honestly you don’t care if these guys or not so bleh. Seriously I think there is more stock footage involved since I saw a life preserver on a wall. Since when do evil labs come equipped with life preservers? Does Deedee screw up Hyde’s lab when his pal Dexter comes around?
Anyway Barbara and the Sheriff get out during the chaos and several more people get eaten, like Dr. Hyde’s scientist girlfriend who just broke up with him and got attacked in the elevator from above. Wow, if this movie wasn’t made in 2001 I would’ve thought James Cameron stole the elevator scene from T2. Oh well....
So the T-Rex escapes and starts throwing a killing spree while the army guys set us up the bomb. There is some fighting and Dr. Hyde gets nom-nom-nom-ed up by the T-Rex. So...I guess the Dinosaur decided to quit his job as the 2nd exit? To be fair I cant blame the Rex since he was barely used. What is the point of having a T-Rex exit if you don’t use it?!
Anyway because the US MILITARY cant hurt the giant lizard, the Sherriff uses a forklift to tackle the T-Rex into the elevator shaft just in time for the building to blow up. This demands some epic music!
(skip to 0: 44)
Or this if your desperate.
The place blows up, dinosaurs are all dead and the movie is over. Hurrah!
So what do I think of this film? It’s baaaaad...i mean really bad, but hilarious. Please see this with someone and rip this whole thing apart, it’s the only way to watch this. Now if you excuse me, I’ll re-watch Jurassic Park again, cheerio!