Gorvar rants on Final Fantasy 8

Part 5: Plot (part III)

Squall when I was done with him...the little bitch.

Final Fantasy VIII sucks, k thx, bye!


What, you want more? Alright fine, the story sucks, the characters suck, drawing out magic is friggin’ annoying and the main character is a emo son of a bitch whom I’m supposed to relate to, but I cant. How can you relate to a lone wolf character who has three dots after EVERY. SINGLE. SENTENCE....

No, I cant! I’m sorry, game over! Squall sucks ass, in fact I think he’s even worse then Tidus from FFX! Well alright I take that back, Tidus is far worse since FFX isn’t HIS story. really want me to keep going huh? Fine, I’ll wrap up Disc I but seriously guys this is like fighting the dark lord Cthullu with a butter knife. The sheer stupidity, the annoyingness, it’’s chaos incarnate. Even the God-Emperor himself has better odds fighting the forces of Chaos then I have surviving the rest of this game.

Right, let me grab this glass here and we’re off.

Yes, I’ve become a drinking man because of this game.

Where we last left our heroes, heroes being used very loosely here, they went off to prove their worth to their CONTACT by going into a mystical maze and fight the twin Minotaur brothers called ‘Brothers’ (I know, it’s stupid). Only if you grab some code of the Unknown King and defeat these two knuckleheads can you prove your worth and actually do the job YOUR WERE HIRED TO DO!

Imagine me hiring Boba Fett and me asking him to do my dishes before I can hire him to capture someone for me. I would be toast man!

At this point we get to meet our employer, General Caraway, is actually Rinoa’s father!

Sir, I think you shouldn’t have reprocreated.

His plan is to trap the Sorceress during a parade in her honour and pop a cap in her head. Team 1, Squall and Irvine, are the kill squad while Team 2, everyone else except Rinoa, go to the sewers to lock the gate down so the parade gets stopped and Irvine can take his shot. However knowing every plan in this game so far has blown up in my face, I don’t have high hopes.

From Caraway we also find out that the President of Galbadia will have a press conference with the Sorceress. Rinoa comes up with a plan to make the Sorceress wear a amulet of somekind to weaken her. However since this plan comes from Rinoa everyone tells her to STFU and GTFO and go off to do their mission. Is this a moment of a sanity and logic?! Yes! Thank you game, thank you!

Oh, there is a god tha-......

Quistis: I’m going to Apologise... Zell: you mean...Rinoa? Selphie: but, but, we cant leave our post! Quistis: we still have time until 20:00. you two wait here. –runs off- Zell: Hey, wait up! –follows with Selphie-



It’s not fair......

Quistis, my love. I’m sorry...i’m so sorry... Good-night, sweet princes; And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest....

God, where are my pills...

You see what this game does to me?!

Right...after Group 2 gets back to the safe house, the door slams shut behind them and thus they got stuck.....god help me, Quistis....

Meanwhile Rinoa who rolled some damn well dexterity rolls manages to sneak inside the Sorceress’ room and she gives her the necklace. This is her reaction.

Can you see why I love this woman?!

Anyways, Edea begins her press conference and well…let’s say it’s not that subtle.

[flash][/flash] (Skip to 2:28)

Yeeeh......if you kill the President of Galbadia and exclaim world domination through slavery, you might raise a few heads...but since this is Final Fantasy VIII, the people keep cheering and forget all about it. Hell they even throw the parade still!

Also according to the rule of the internet you have to put a M.Bison joke going if you say ‘Take over the world.’


...or the Nostalgic Critic. The laws of reality are breaking all around me!

Anyways Team 2 manage to escape just in time....through the sewers. And as we all know in every video game the Sewer level is the worst level. So enjoy playing through the sludges Team 2! Tell Mario I said hey !

So Squall decides Rinoa because.....pfffff....she has the one ring? Honestly I refuse to believe he has fallen in love with her at this point, in LOTR: The Third age Berethor going afer Idrial alone while he faces the Witch King of Angmar makes more sense then these two!

Squall saves her, big fucking whoop, and Rinoa joins Team we immediately know this plan has gone tits up from this point on. Team 1 goes to their spot and Irvine grabs his sniper rifle while Rinoa sits on her fat ass and twiddles her legs LIKE SHE IS A SIX YEAR OLD!

Don’t make come down there Rinoa, I swear to god I’ll kill you like SyFy killed Caprica and Stargate: Universe!

Come on Gorvar, hold it together, just a few more minutes.....!

Team 2 manages to reach their position in time and close the gate so the parade is stuck and Edea is wide open for the shot! Yes, come on Irvine shoot her in the head!

Irvine: I..i cant. I’m sorry, I cant do it. I always choke like this.


What, the Sniper guy doesn’t want to shoot someone in the head while he was all to happy shooting people in the face with his goddamn SHOTGUN?! No! No! Stupid cowboy, stupid, stupid, stupid...where’s Ezio when you need him?! Or Altair?! Hell I want to hire Super Retarded Dog rather then to see these idiots! JUST DO YOUR JOB, YOU FOOL!

When Irvine finally gets to take his shot, oh surprise the bullet deflects of her magic shield and Squall has to go out and kill herby hand. Whoopty do! So Squall draws inspiration from GTA and steals a car. After he runs over some innocent bystanders, For the Greater Good!, he ends up at the cart Edea is at...only to find Seipher there he has taken it up to be her bodyguard.

In between his tenure as a SeeD and the body guard of a evil spell caster he began hitting like a bitch and he is easily taken out. Edea however is a thougher piece of cheese and both Rinoa and Irvine show up to help. (How did they get here so fast? Redbull?)

Rinoa: I can fight if I’m with you. That’s why I’m here. (No shit?) Irvine: I have to redeem myself.

Well if you two did as told we wouldn’t be in this problem now wouldn’t we?! Anyways after a epic fight the gods of Olympus themselves would be jealious of, Edea in amazing CGI Cutscene casts a Blizzard spell and throws it at Squall, it protruding from his chest as he falls from the cart like he’s in Inception.

Needless to say I started cheering and laughing when that happened. Hey everybody, Squall is dead!

[flash][/flash] (skip to 1:33)

Thank you god, thank yo....oh....we still have three discs to go...oh well, Squall is dead so it’s all going to be ok right?



I’m going to die....

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