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I hope you lot all have fantastic dinners planned, relatives coming over and have the movie Die Hard running in the background, which is as well all know the best Christmas movie ever.

Today as my gift to you all I bring you a special review? Why is it so special, well first off...I wrote it :D Second it’s a piece of my own past I bring into this. You see 6 years ago I got this game as a gift for Christmas. Yes back in 2004 when Spider-man was still married to Mary-Jane, when George Lucas didn’t hate us enough to create the gruesome ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars’ ( not to be mistaken with the Macro series which as far as I know he had no hand in) and George Bush still tried to convince us Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

Yes I compared OMD and Star Wars to the invasion on Iraq, shut up.

Anyways for my Christmas I got Lord of the Rings: The Third Age which could be considered one of the most disappointing games ever. Basically this game is about a fellowship of LOTR characters, so it’s your story in a way set in the universe of the movies.

And here is our first problem.....the game is set in the movie universe of LOTR which means, according to the writers, the story isn’t going to be so great.....


Which is utter BULLSHIT! Peter Jackson’s LOTR films are some of the best trilogies on the planet, right with the Star Wars Original trilogy, Back to the Future and the Godfather. And Terminator if you exclude the third one which was shiiiite.

Anyways what we get for a story and characters is very shallow. We follow the story of a Gondorian warrior called Berethor who follows the Fellowship of the Ring in search for his Lord Boromir. Along the way he gets attacked by a few Naz-ghul but gets saved by the elf Idrial, who is our token love interest.

It’s at this point really you already begin to sight, at least at the story. Your trekking through the forest killings Orcs and Wild Men of...Dunland? Already? Wait, how the hell did those guys from the lands of Rohan migrate to near Rivendel? This doesn’t make any sense, what did Sauron give them red bull to give them wings and fly over?!

Anyway the interaction between Berethor and Idrial comes across a bit wooden and when she actually kisses Berethor twice in the course of the game it comes totally out of the left field. Well even further from the left field and more from a different ballgame all together, I hate forced romances..... What I DO like however is when the duo meet up with the Ranger Elegost and the dwarf Hadhod, who by far are the most banter-iest and saving graces of the game.

Hell Hadhod comes across very likeable! ( Skip to 0:54)

Anyways your party go into Moria as well through another hidden door told to you by Elrond himself! Lets take this apart shall we? Elrond, who sponsored the Fellowship and send them on their quest, gave you, some random nobody a map to another ancient elf-dwarf gate that not even Gandalf knows about?

Note that Elrond had NO idea whatsoever the Fellowship was going to pass through Moria, so how did he know you would to? Wow, seems his powers of foresight DO work from time to time.

Whatever, after beating the Watcher of the Lake into pulp and cut him up as a squid snack you head through Moria and, I kid you not, fight the BALROG HIMSELF! For a game based on the movies, they really go out of their way to make the canoncity of this game highly implausible to the movies doesn’t it?

I like this Gandalf a lot better.

SO after you kicked the shit out of the Balrog, you go on your merry way to help the elves reclaim the East Emnet gullies. After that you get send to Rohan! Without any back up to!

So let me run this down for you. The elves and Gandalf send you to a kingdom, that mostly consists of open plains by the way, which are swarming with Orcs and savage men (who somehow followed me from Rivendel) without any back up whatsoever......I don’t know if Gandalf hates us or thinks we can manage, but I would be friggin’ pissed off, hell Hadhod even calls bullshit on Berethor going ahead with this plan!

‘This is a marvellous quest yer leading us on!’ –kicks Uruk helmet away-

I’m sorry but if the dwarf says your out of your goddamned mind, you need to re-think the quests your accepting.

Anyways in Rohan you come across Morwen who is your token love interest rival....

Yeh pretty bad ass, but you got nothing on Hadhod!

Dude summons Dragons bitch, what do you got?!

Anyway Morwen (who’s class is a Shield Maiden despite the fct she does not use a shield...) asks to accompany you to Helms Deep and try to find her parents along the way, to which Berethor agrees to much to Idrial’s displeasure. Hadhod and Elegost simply shrug at each other for the rivalry over Berethor’s affections and probably wonder how the hell they got swooped up in all of this. But to be honest Elegost’s tracking skills aren’t that great... (skip to 03: 27)

Let me wrap this up for you......he points out the tracks while the bodies are just TWO FEET AWAY! There is over analysing and just being damn stupid! Fine you’re a ranger, don’t bloody show off in telling how Morwen’s parents got wacked!

Morwen: T.T

Oh stop your crying, you wouldn’t last five minutes in Ferelden. Hell at this point I’m starting to miss Sten! Yes he was a asshole, but he got shit done!

Aaargh...after fighting the Orcs that killed Morwen’s mummy and daddy you meet up with a Rohirrim rider called Eaoden who takes you to Helms Deep. (skip to 5:48)

Hell if this was Dragon Age I would’ve had some wenches to. Yeh death is around the corner in the form of 10 000 pissed of Uruk Hai, but hey what better time right? Also why is the gate keeper so picky about letting us is? Dude, we’re being chased by the forces of evil, stop being a dick and let us in! And since when did we get horses? Anyone?

In the game’s defence they really build Helms Deep in the exact detail as seen in the films. TBH I love Helms Deep and it’s my favourite bit in the entire game! You get character development and you can actually talk to the trio of awesomeness, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli!

Well only John Rhys-Davis and Orlando Bloom went to record their lines while they used Aragorn’s lines from the movies for the cutscene but THEY’RE THERE! Your actually In a ‘civilized’ location for once! Which I wished there was more of. Seriously there is no gold in this game or stores! I want to buy booze for my dwarf and bad ass ax or a new bow for my ranger or a new metal bikini for my elf or shield maiden!

Aaargh...anyway when night falls you get to fight in the Battle for Helms Deep along with the members of the fellowship. It’s at THIS point I realized fully this game did not attempt at trying to tell a epic story. Again, out of fucking nowhere we find out Berethor.....was under the control of Saruman all along.

And because his usefulness has ended, Saruman sends Berethor up against the hordes of Uruk Hai and ti’s the party’s job to save him. Not only is this fucking hard since there are no rests between fights, it’s stupid. This guy who named himself fearless leader wants to get killed, fine! Let him! But nooooo, Idrial and Morwen would be heart broken, for god sake not even Morrigan or Lelianna were this sappy with my Warden!

And worst thing of all, there was NO MENTION AT ALL that Berethor was taken over by Saruman! Not one fucking clue! And does Berethor change after this fight? Of course not! The only thing he does is becoming MORE of a goody two shoes! SON OF A BI-Crazy pills, I need my pills!


Oh feels like somebody took my brain out and played football with it....

Right, back to the story. After beating off the armies of Isengard, you get send off to Osgiliath to help the people of Gondor to fight off the forces of Mordor. How, why? Never explained.

Seriously why would Gandalf send us to OSGILIATH for? We didn’t even get time to rest, drink a beer or shag a wench! son of a bitch...

Right it’s here we find that Idrial and Gandalf were in cohoots all this time to ‘redeem’ Berethor who ran away from battle in Osgilliath and thus was exiled from Gondor. Idrial gets caught by the Witch King himself and alone Berethor can go after her to save her.

So not only did he have to fight the BALROG to prove himself, but the fucking Witch King to?! Seriously, what the hell man?! Oh, and if your thinking him and Idrial become lovers after this, I’m sorry but your princess is in another fucking castle.

YES, the love that bloomed between these two is nullified because Idrial claims ‘he was meant to be with Morwen.’ Meant to be as in she was betrothed to him and they never met each other before until Rohan....

So....yeh.....this game is shite.


So why am I sticking up for Idrial/Berethor? Well they might have been wooden together, it may more sense then throwing Morwen in that until at this moment showed no romantic interest in Berethor.

After the party escapes Osgilliath by boat, Gandalf FINALLY allows us to rest. Gee thanks Gandalf, you do care after all! What’s this? You want us to sneak in Minas Tirith after the invasion already started? You don’t care we’ll have to fight our way through hundreds of rocs to actually get inside the city first? ....

You son of a bitch!

So we fight In Minas Tirth and we get dragged down to Pelinor fields. We beat off friggin’ Mumakills (big, Big elephants) by ourselves and the tides of orcs and evil men. We start cheering until...Naz-ghul appear and stab Morwen in the back!

But Aragorn comes in and heals her for you, so we’re cool ^^ Also Berethor and Morwen share a tender kiss.....yay......I both hope you two get many stupid children together since it runs in BOTH OF YOU!

Right, that’s the end of the game right.....not really, there is ONE more boss...three guesses who?

That’s right, your fighting FUCKING Sauron himself!


No, not that Sauron....

Yes, that one! The final boss in this game is a EYE! A Eye. Made out of fire.....Congrats game, you pissed me off!

After you beat Sauron’s light’s out we don’t get treated to a proper ending. We don’t know what happens to Berethor and Morwen, we don’t know if idrial does indeed feel something still for Berethor, we have no idea why the hell Eaoden followed the party or if Hadhod and Elegost go to a bar to get some wenches.

Seriously, the game just ends. Well done you completed the game, try it again on Hard mode. NO THANKS!

This game was a disappointment back in 2004, and it still is now! The characters are all lackluster (save Hadhod) , the cameos from the movies are stupid, the plot is annoying and the love story feels forced. Also there is no Hobbit in the party......Seriously why didn’t you throw in a Rogue Hobbit in here!

Now if you lot excuse me, I’ll go grab my egg nog and drink myself into a stupor, Merry Christmas everyone.

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