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Gorvar Reviews: Jurassic Park- The Lost World Novel)

Gorvar May 15, 2011 User blog:Gorvar

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Hey guys.

Alright, i know I have been gone for a while and my review on the Dragon Age franchise is a tad late...HOWEVER I have two excuses. My first excuse is that i'm preparing for my exams for university and two....well you saw the picture above.

I love Jurassic Park, alright? I loved the 1st movie and I watch it still from time to time. This movie when I first saw when i was 3 years old (and gave me nightmares up until now) was so good, i watched the second film and the third one. The sequels weren't as good, but good enough to enjoy. I love the dinosaurs, the characters, the buildings on the island...everything! It also gave birth to Jeff Goldblum's catchphrase.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6wYGY3pI50&feature=related]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6wYGY3pI50&feature=related

The Dinosuars were a perfect mix of 3D and automated life sized machines and really made you think you were watching real dinosaurs. Not since Jurassic Park has there been a movie with perfect 3D in there that could make you belief that fantatical creatures existed. Oh, maybe one other movie, probably nothing important....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pki6jbSbXIY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pki6jbSbXIY

Peter Jackson, you hack.

Anyway years later,I read the 1st novel, and I loved it as well. Even going as far to say the novel is just as good as the movie. It has a deadline that really added a emergency to the book, there was a real struggle between man and dinsoaur for control over the island and it was indeed a story of man's aspirations to become god to get a quick buck out of it, or power. John Hammond in that novel made Scrooge Mcduck look like a philantropist in comparison. So when I heard there was a second novel (which the Second movie was based on) i immidiatly orderd it off Amazon.

It was pretty cheap, only 0.01 pounds.....AND I STILL FEEL FUCKING RIPPED OFF! in fact I feel like a goddamn T-Rex just came up to me and ate me up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMzfrod7hcE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMzfrod7hcE

Yeh, best scene in the movie, i had to put it in somewhere.

Anyway I really hated this novel you guys. I was so dissapointed and SO gutted, i mean.....the movie with Vince fucking Vaugn was BETTER then the novel. I mean, stuff like this shouldn't be happening! I'm not dissing Micheal Crichton here but...dude, what the fuck?!

Right...let's head into this before I start ranting.


The Lost World takes place six years after the 1st novel where we find Ian Malcom lecturing paleontology at a university.....right from PAGE ONE I got a problem with this. First of, at the end of Jurassic Park one of the military guys told Alan Grant that Ian Malcolm was dead after the T-Rex attack added with the stress of the raptors.

So how the hell is he standing there, giving lectures? Dont get me wrong, i'm glad Ian made it out, I love that guy. He's the snarky wise-ass bastard I wanted to be when I grew up. But seriously, that was the only excuse Crichton had to bring him back. I dont hate Ian Malcolm okay? Dude agreed with me on the abomination that is 'The Last Airbender'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6h0f5CunRs&feature=related]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6h0f5CunRs&feature=related

So, how did he got better of the slight case of death? Oh, he regenerated and now he is the 2nd Ian Malcolm, the more preachy and arrogant bastard version of the 1st Ian Malcolm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQrd44v7Q6w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQrd44v7Q6w (skip to 1:10)

I HATE Ian Malcolm in this novel. No more snarky remarks, no more chaos theory, no it's all about extinction now and frown at people who DARE ask questions in a lecture. Yes for some reason in the 6 years he has become an dinosaur expert, changed from mathematician to a paleontologist. And he never stops preaching about how he is right. you remember in the first novel how he began preaching while he was on morphine? Yeh, imagine an entire novel of that. GIVE ME BACK MY SARKY BASTARD!

If that isn't to hard to believe, let me add this...he NEVER tells the world about what happend at Isla Nublar. Not even when Levine, a man who found a fresh dinosaur corpse of a coast near Nublar, tells him he believes to have found a 2nd island of Dinosaurs Malcolm still acts dickish about it and tries to drop it.

You kidding, the Malcolm I know would point at Isla Nublar and shout at the top of his lings 'I TOLD YOU SO!' to Ingen and everyone who invested in Jurassic Park. In fact he says at one point in the movie 'I hate being right all the time.' Also he broke up with his girlfriend Sarah Harding, the woman that helped him get around walking again, because he couldn't see her for a few months because she is a wildlife expert in Africa. Dude, call Robert Muldoon, he can hook you two up with some experiment or something someplace. Jesus.....so yeh, that is strike one.

Strike two is the reason why they go to the island. You know why? If you say 'to rescue Sarah Harding like in the movie' you are partially right....but a rescue mission is the secondary objective for this lot, they go off there to collect data on the animals and see if it can be used for an extinction project data thingy. They go off to find Levine because....well the dumbass decided to go off alone and he got nearly gobbeld up by the local wildlife. His guide gets eaten and not ONCE does Levine feel sorry for that.

Except for Sarah there are NO like-able characters in this novel, not one! And even Sarah is a stretch for me to like, because she willingly sacrificed the books human antagonist to the T-Rex so she could life. Yeh....not sure what to think of it. i mean yeh it's cool, but still...bit harsh for a Jurassic Park novel.

Also your wondering, where is Alan Grant or Robert Muldoon, or hell where is Genero? From a guy working for Biosyn (an rival company of Ingen) , Alan Grant has gone back to digigng up bones, Dr. Sattler has setteld down and has two kids and still works as a paleobotanist, Robert Muldoon is back in Africa sipping drinks whilst hunting beasties and Genaro died of dysentry (yeh, his wife and daughter will love that by the way). what is so funny is that not once did Malcolm think of asking Grant or Muldoon for help.

The only guys he has with them is Dr. Thorne, some od fart working with Levine, Eddie Carr (the guy who made the cars for the expedition), Sarah Harding who shows up on the island a bit later and two stow away kids who worked with Levine and are, as all kids are in the Jurassic Park universe, expert hackers! Seriously dude, take at least a hunter or a soldier guy or whatever with you. Or hell, pick an engineer! they can kick anyone's ass using plasma cutters!

Dead Space Ripper

Also works well on ninja space zombies.

But those kids....those damn kids get on my goddamn nerves. in the movie, Kelly was Ian's daughter and had a reason to be there. but here? Arby and Kelly, not only are they not related to any of the characters, but have NO REASON TO BE THERE. Seriously, they stowed away on the expedition to help find Levine. I dont know what Levine did to inspire such undying loyalty from those two....but it probably borders on helping them promise revenge on the death of their parents and become the sidekicks of the dark knight.

I dont see why those kids had to be in this novel, i mean...they're home lives aren't that bad. Except maybe Kelly but still, goin to an island with cloned giant reptiles that can eat you in a blink of an eye? Yeh...no dice.

The next thing that boderd me with this novel was the swearing....the goddamn fucking swearing. Seriously the word 'fuck' appears in this novel so much it made me question if i wasn't reading 'Rising Sun'. If I had to associate a word that would show up in the Jurassic Park franchise, fuck wouldn't be one of 'em. They didn't even say fuck in the first novel, why in this one?! Yeh fine, you would be swearing like a bastard if a raptor was running behind you, but seriously? i thought you were better then this Crichton....

The entire premise is stupid as well. I mean...Sarah Harding herself said this island was a man made place. The predator/herbivore ratio is screwed over with the raptors being more insane and evil then the previous ones. At least in that one they wokred together to get those pesky humans, but in this one it's every raptor for itself.

These Dinosaurs are not the real thing! They got frog dna injected into 'em! Also, this novel NEVER explains how they got over that little lysine factor they need to keep kicking. in the movie Sarah explains it's because the herbivores eat lysine rich plants and the carnivore eat the herbivores. But not here in the novel, the one place in any franchise you would expect MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE RULES OF YOUR UNIVERSE.

Oh, you remember the bliss and beauty of dinosaurs in the first movie and novel? How wonderful and kind those big creatures can be? The marvel of creation? Yeh, none of that here! Here everything is trying to kill you because your human and are on their turf. A dude with a kid got eaten and mutulated horribly in this novel! It's like the franchise hates people with kids....unless your a woman since no woman or kid even gets killed in the franchise.

Oh, but the climax is the BEST! you know how they get back to the mainland? I bet you'll never guess. I tell you....they go back via boat WITH NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER. I mean at first they had a little problem of missing their ride with the helicopter (whose pilots did not wait an hour after the deadline to then just leave, but leave only after five minutes since they are impatient jerks.) which begs the question what would happen to there trailer and car when pick up came? Just leave it there? Seriously, the boat escape happens ten pages after the deadline missed with the helicopter. No sense of defeat or whatever... It's like they went 'oh shit, we lost our only means of escape of this dinosaur infested island....oh well, shit happens. Oh look a boat!'


Jesus, i'm ranting again.....this novel makes less sense then the goddamn teenage girl that has a sceptre that can summon an army of dragons! Goddamnit!

Look guys...if you like Jurassic Park, just read the first novel, watch the first movie....but drop the rest. Hell you can watch the second and third films if you like, for they are BETTER then this piece of shit novel i filled ripped off of! That one penny is one i'll never get back, ever! All because of this stupid novel with stupid characters and stupid bullshit about extinction that makes no sense whatsofuckingever!

I'm done, going back to Dragon Age...piece of shit...yargh!

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