Gorvar rants on Final Fantasy 8.


Part 3: Plot (Part I)

Hey guys, i'm back with more bitching on FF8.

Where to start with this latrine they dare call a plot....

Well let's start with the good bits I's long? Every FF game is supposed to be like 80 hours long or something and you feel satisfied you completed it? Hell I remember when I finished FF9 and laid the smack down on the guy who created the universe! You could say I betrayed the laws of creation!

For the ten percent who understand that little in-joke, I love you guys, for the other ninety percent WHOOOO! Way over your head. use putting this thing off, let's get to it.

I already explained to you why I think SeeD sucks and why the characters are more annoying then that little punk from Episode I. Now you'll see why.

The story begins, like I said with the characters, with a swordfight between Squal and Seipher where both wound each other. Why the hell these two aren't expelled I got no f-ing clue. Seriously they dont even get a scolding or anything!

Welcome to Balamb Garden, home of the Jurassic Park training centre, classes where you can learn how to summon monsters, use spells, swordplay and where you can kill your fellow students without getting told off for it! Balamb garden, where you learn to become a murdering sociopath with the powers of a god and get paid for it to!

Anyways Quistis, hotness, picks you up from sickbay, where I wish Robert Picardo beams down and tries to humor me with his dry wit, and takes you along for a final lesson. This lesson is to go to the nearest cave and, get this, DEFEAT A DEMON UNDER A TIME LIMIT.

Yeh SeeD doesn't f*** around with their students man, you have to go out and fight the god damn Balrog as your final exam, if you fail, you dont get a re-check, your DEAD!

Honestly, you have to go fight this demon, with a teacher but still, and beat him into a pulp or it's game over. Sure you got two GF's with you but honestly, this is brutal man, not even Gandalf could handle one of them, what kind of chance does Squall emo-boy got? Not even guns can help you get out of this one.

Anyways you defeat the Balrog, or Ifrit whatever, and you go back to the Garden where you get told you have to go on ANOTHER final Exam where you get send into A WARZONE! Yeh, if one exam doesn't kill ya, odnt worry, SeeD will provide you with a warzone where no doubt you will be scarred for life with the mental imagery of body parts all over the palce and grown men without legs and their guts out of their stomach calling for their mothers before they die in your arms.

Jesus, not even in Gundam Wing they were this brutal!

Right you get send of to the warzone with Zell, the dumbass who deicdes to go against the enemy soldiers with GUNS with his BARE FISTS, and Seipher himself.....yeh, seriously this game should've ended the moment we got on that beach....

Yes I know I used it before, shut up!

After you and your team take control of the central plaza, yeh three seventeen year old rookies with magic powers defeat a entire garrison of war hardened veterans.....surprised? Right anyway Seipher runs off during the fight, telling us he wants to follow his romantic dream. Hell if I was there I would've shouted 'Yeah you go for it dumb ass, hey dont forget to drop the soap WHILE YOUR IN THE POW CAMP YOU BITCH, THAT'S F***ING ROMANTIC for ya!'

Yes I know he means it otherwise, dying in battle and shit, but seriously he makes Vegeta from DBZ look like a pleasant character. Along the way to the radio tower, where you have to go after Seipher of course, you meet Selphie who no doubt should have lost her tiny little mind by now because of the horrible sights of war, but since this FF8 we dont have that kind of realism....


Anyways you go up this tower because the enemy army, Galbadia, want it to broadcast a message over the entire continent. Why? Because the town they're fighting for has the only working radio tower WHICH HASN'T BEEN USED FOR DECADES.

Yeh, dumb enough for ya? We haven't even scratched the barrel of utter bullshit in this one, just you wait.

So after fighting off a spider-robot thing you go back to the school where you pass the test with flying colours! Well gee thanks Headmaster, thank you I could pass my class and become a real mercenary. But what about the friends I no doubt lost in the final exam and the sights of dozens of dead bodies and people i had to kill? Oh, man up you pussy....ok, whatever you say headmaster, Whooo dance party!

The chances of doing the above video are actually a lot more accurate to the survival scale then the past 5 hours you've been playing this game. Right during the dance party you meet the supposed love interest of the game called Rinoa who by god is the sleaziest anime chick you ever met outside of a hentai movie.

The short dress, dancing with you while she is still seeing your arch rival, probably dancing without any underwear....yeh, sleaze ball. And she is your next new party member, whooo!!!

Oh god sake please game, shoot me already.... oh yeh Squall rejects Quistis for being romantically interested in him.....I wish he would just die. Or get's hit by a track full of cancer. God damn loner wolf crap.

(skip to 3:45)

Oh god I wish, it'll take three f***king discs to get there.

Anyways you get send to Galabadia the next day to help a Timber, a city in Galabadia, to revolt. How do you get into enemy territory? Well by train of course!

Yes....we're going into enemy territory by train...what, do the logical thing and go by airplane? pffff son this is FF8, we aint doin' logic round here! And dont call the technology card on me, if you can make hovercrafts and trains, they can make a god damn helicopter or use one of their GF's to get over there.

Right on the train, after you told Zell to STFU for 5 times when he wants to talk about Timber, your characters all will get a splitting headache, yes my voodoo dolls are working YES, and you end up in some kind of dream realm where you take control of three Galbadian soldiers.

Interesting to see this from the other side of the conflict, yes, does it play any real part of the story, no. You control some dude called Laguna Loire and his two guys. Are they a lot cooler then my current party? Well...yeh! They seem more connected with each other, war buddies and all, and it makes sense that they are in a war zone!

Also one of them uses a anchor as a weapon.


To be honest I like Laguna's storyline more because they are a lot better then the Squall bits because your dealing with proper people with proper character development. Right so Laguna and his friends go back from the warzone to the capitol where they watch a pianist Laguna has the hots for play. The angst of asking her out and actually being a gentlemen during that date and not wanting to do the dirty really appeals to me. A romantic hero as it is...

But enough of that awesomeness and back to the shitty plot! Squall and all that wake up when they arrive in Timber where you meet up with the resistance fighters, under the command of the fearless...Rinoa......f***, I should've asked double for this crap.

Anyways Rinoa comes up with a plan to kidnap the President of Galbadia to sign a peace treaty. This would've made sense if it came from anybody else, except Rinoa. Seriously this chick leads a rag tag group of people that....well...they suck. I'm not gonna lie, even the Rugrats have a better chance in overthrowing Galbadia then these guys.

But i'll get into that another time....

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