Gorvar rants on Final Fantasy 8 (part 4)

Part 4: Plot (part II) [img][/img]

And we’re back ladies and gentlemen.

When we left our heroes they were forced to work together with Rinoa and her rag tag team of ‘freedom fighters’ (the term is being used loosely here) who came up with a idiotic idea whilst they were combating constipation.

I’m not joking, the leader of these ‘Forest Owls’ has constipation every fifteen minutes. Why they haven’t been found and shot by now I can only suspect Galbadia doesn’t think they are much of a threat.

President of Galbadia: I heard you found a group of rebels General? Galbadian General: We have, sir. President: Why haven’t you rounded them up yet then? General: Because they are deemed harmless, sir. President: but...they are rebels.... General: Their leader has to sit on the toilet every fifteen minutes and their second in command is a bland tart chick on the rebound. President: Carry on then, you saved the country a lot of time and money. General: thank you sir.

Oh where was I....oh yes, Headmaster Cid send the Owls a message where he tells you that you and your group have to remain there until ‘Timber gains it’s independence.’ So this guy basically send three rookie SeeD member’s on a long term mission....without any back up?

See...I think he hates Squall. Cid is just pissed off Squal and the two dimbwits survived what was supposed to be a death sentence so he send them somewhere in the middle of fuck all so they would be out of his hair for years. And there is also the lamp he gave you for your graduation which summons the DEVIL who can kill you if your not prepared.

I instantly like this guy!

Anyways Rinoa and her merry men come up with an idea to switch cabins and trains so they can capture the president of Galbadia and force him to sign a peace treaty and give Timber it’s independence back. Well if the Spartans could do it with the Covenant, why not us right?

Although I have a better idea (then again every idea is better then any idea that came from Rinoa). Why don’t we...y’know blow the train up? I mean...we have the powers of gods here! We can shoot fireballs, zap people, summon the devil, a demon, a naked ice lady chick, a electric bird...

[img][/img] No not that one... But since Headmaster Cid we had to follow her orders we’re tagged along in the most clumbsiest coup d’etat ever done in fiction. Lemme take my meds here....

[img][/img] Yes i know they look like Candy, makes it easier to take really.

So the mission is underway and for some reason, some unexplainable works. A plan devised by Rinoa Heartilly ACTUALLY worked?! Holy crap it’s the sign of the Apocalypse! We’re headed into the fan of biblical proportions here!

However when the SeeD members finally corner the president we luckily found out they fucked up anyway and the president they caught is actually....a zombie.

I made your review more awesomer by a million here.

After beating the zombie (they should have shot him in the head to be sure he’s really dead) the group regroups at Timber where we find out the President is going to the Timber TV Station to broadcast something. Again, I have no idea why the Dollet radio tower was needed if they had a tower in Timber?

Other then providing ‘good spaught’ for Squall and his retarded friends they had no point in being there!

Anyways during the live broadcast we find out that the President is teaming up with the super witch Edea to take over the world.

Is anyone else having Morrigan flashbacks here?



Oh hell I want to have ‘em both, show those witches a good ‘ol wild witch time I wou…..uhum….yeh.

Anyways during the broadcast, three guesses who come’s in? that’s right, Seifer tagged along behind us and holds the President hostage. See...i know he’s a doche bag, but he gets shit done. So we go in to save his white ass, and join up with the booty licious Quistis, but find out he and the sorceress poofed off.

A few hours later the news says he was executed and we shed a tear for a fallen heppfffffhahahahahahahahahaaha, had ya there for a sec didn’t I? Neah he’s still a jerk.

So because we fucked up royally, again this was Rinoa’s plan, we get send to the Galbadia Garden to team up with their SeeD teams and come up with a plan to stop Galbadia’s rise to power.

So why are we taking Rinoa with us? ... Pffff......good question...urghm.....she’s carrying the one Ring?

Anyways along the way you get another blackout and you wake up again as Laguna and co kicking some ass! MORE HARPOON THROWING ACTION, WHOOOOO! Come ‘ere Esthar punks, get you some!

Anyways Laguna and his friends attack this enemy stronghold and wipe it most of the enemy, at the cost of his friends and himself being severely wounded. Driven to desperation by more enemy reinforcements Laguna throws Ward and Kiros in the ocean near some boats and jumps in after them, which is where the flashback ends.

So your group wakes up (with two of your party members weakend as well for some reason) and you make your way to the allied Garden where you team hooks up with Irvine Kinneas. The headmaster of that Garden gives you a new objective...terminate the Sorceress.


So not only are our teenagers here Mercenaries, but assassins as well? Wow...I think we need to call in Ezio for this one. Yes even still in a world of magic and guns, I still prefer someone else to do a mission then these lot.

Anyways after the mission, and Irvine’s failed attempts at wooing the women, (he should learn some lessons from yours truly here, amirite Morrigan/Bastilla/Random chick from Fable III?) we get send off on a train to the capitol city of Galbadia and meet a contact who’ll give us lodgings and stuff so we can make the hit.

Seems the headmaster here has the same ethics as Cid as in we have to pay for the train, whatadick. Or maybe he has the same instinct as Cid and knows the group is bad news.

Anyways we meet our contact in the capitol and....well get this. We have to PROOF ourselves to be let in and go to some tomb omewhere and get some god damn sword or something. Seriously bitch? I got the goddamn devil, a demon, a lightning bird, a ice chick, a mermaid and a sea dragon under my command. I should ask you kindly to shove that test up your arse and get the hell out of my way.

Again I have a better idea, why don’t I just nuke the entire city and ill this Sorceress? Yes innocent people will die, but I’ll be saving thousands more in the long run! Did I tell you in most of my RPG games I’m a bit of a world dominating jerk?


Oh yes…..

You know what, fuck this, i’m out!

I’ll wrap up Disc 1 next time. Now where are my meds.....

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