Today we will talk about a movie more disappointing then Episode I, we’re talking about a movie that could have been the most awesome film ever since Lord of the Rings or Inception, a film you could not have fucked up even if you tried....but a man by the name of Pauw W.S Anderson did.
I’m talking about Alien Vs Predator.
This film took our favorite SF monsters, nerfed them down, slapped them in the face for being to naughty and let them play together in the pen. It SUCKS so bad it’s not even funny.
Why is it so bad? Allow me to walk you with through the seven circles of hell as your Virgil. Alright movie, let's go, get you some!
Number 1: Antarctica
This movie takes place in Antarctica, the stupidest place on earth to have a film done. Don’t you lot start throwing ‘The Thing’ from John Carpenter at me, for two reasons. One, I never saw that film, which I plan to remedy soon, and two it’s done by a better director who actually allowed gore in what is supposed to be A HORROR MOVIE.
I’ll talk about the Gore (or lack of it) later.
Anyways Antarctica, not only is it cold there but ‘according to the film) dark as hell. Which means for half the time you don’t see shit. Seriously, I had to crank up the brightness on my tv to see something going on.
Also it doesn’t make sense for either of the alien species to be there! As shown in Predator, predator II and Predators the Preds always come to earth (or rather hunt on other planets) on warm climates a la the rain forest or South America or even the far East. Why in the name of unholy fuckness are they on FUCKING ANTARICA?!
Let’s not forget the Predators In this film are rookies, newbies in the hunt. If experienced hunters rather wanna chill out in South America or LA during a gang war, why do these kids get send to the fucking South Pole?!
It doesn’t make any sense, it’s been established the Preds life on warm climate planets, sending them to Antarctica is a death sentence! What if their suits suddenly give out? What if everything goes bat shit insane down there like a massive EMP wave, you’ll end up with three promising hunters killed simply because you lot were to lazy to re-locate your trials to a area that isn’t best for hunting!
AGAIN do not throw the line ‘They’re send there to cope in un-hospitable locations to strengthen themselves for their trials’ or ‘The Predators didn’t know the Pyramid was frozen solid when they arrived.’ If you do, okay asshole, let’s dance! I have two reasons.
Reason 1: If experienced hunters can be send to hunt in warmer climates, and thus have it easier, why do newbs get send into a cold situation? There is a difference between training with life fire and sending people to get killed. Also most of the trials happen IN THE FUCKING PIRAMID! If it happens in there, why the fuck does it have to be in Antarctica, couldn’t they have moved it somewhere else, somewhere challenging like a forgotten jungle somewhere?
Reason 2: The Predators are a space faring race that ‘have taught the humans how to build’. So in their massive amount of knowledge and the fact they travel back to Earth every 100 or so years, when did they start to notice that Antarctica isn’t as densely populated anymore?
Predator I: Huh....it’s rather chilly here isn’t it? Predator II: Yeh....where are the humans, they’re supposed to meet us by now. Predator I: -checks scanners- oh...seems there aren’t any humans here, the nearest settlement is across the ocean. Predator II: What, what about the trials?! Predator I: There has been signs of a explosion... Predator II: Wait....the last guys blew up everything and killed everyone for miles around us and the high council FORGOT to inform us to inform that little factoid, The fuck are we supposed to hunt here?! Predator I: Well....what about that black-white thing over there? Predator II: Oooooh, exciting! I’m trained to hunt XENOMORPHS, not birds! Predator III: Hey guys look, my piss has frozen solid! Predator II: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!
And so on and so forth. So this trial happening In the middle of fucking nowhere and happening every 100 years without any clear update on the Piramid or replacing the Alien Queen, is a dumb idea.
Also the humans dress to lightly for Antarctica and should’ve frozen to death in like two minutes, AND they’re packing guns, what were they expecting, ZE GERMANS?! Again it would’ve made more sense if it was in a rain forest or some other planet. If it was a rain forest they would’ve been armed to hunt some terrorists or if they were on a other planet they would’ve been armed by the Predators!
Wait...that was the premise of ‘Predator’ and ‘Predators’....huh....
Antarctica sucks! Bad movie!
Number 2: The Predators
The Predators suck in this movie. The only one thing I liked about this film was that they established Three Predators working together on a hunt, a idea worked out far better in the film ‘Predators’.
As I mentioned above the very idea of them fighting in a frozen wasteland is dumb...they engage the Aliens in HAND TO HAND COMBAT! For a technological advanced species, the Preds are the dumbest bastards in the galaxy! Hell even the Aliens from ‘War of the Worlds’ are smarter if only because they PLANNED their invasion.
Again three rookies are send to fight a hive of xenomorphs with only their cloaks (which are worth shit if the aliens can small you by scent), Wolverine styled claws and a net. Do the High council want any survivors? They know the Xenomorphs have Acid for blood, hand to hand combat would be dangerous and stupid, even expert hunters would have a hard time WITH laser guns. Give them their fucking guns!
Another stupid twist is the Predators have to make their way into the pyramid and grab their guns from a altar which would trigger the entire moving maze thing. That is a good idea, small problem.....you using 4000 year old tech!
How would you feel if you were told to fight a herd of monsters with only a blunderbuss, you would go ‘fuck you asshole’ and grab a fucking minigun with a MP3 player playing ‘Let the bodies hit the floor’.
Also the Predators still think after the last time the entire civilization got destroyed by the self destruct-o bombs, the humans would still keep renovating the place and keep giving sacrifices? Well obviously no because the trio start wacking every human they come across for no real reason.
Also how do you earn your trial? By killing every single Alien in that pyramid? Does that include the Queen? Explain movie, EXPLAIN!
The Predators in the movie fail...ESPICALLY when they start teaming up with those fucking primitive monkeys...and they take of their helmet so they can get raped by a face hugger.
Problem 3: Aliens
The Aliens in this movie do their job as Aliens, they are a herd of wild animals that hunt for both humans and Predators, impregnating the former and killing the later.
But of course I have a problem with the as well....well three.
One, THEY GROW UP TO FAST! The Chest Burster in Alien took hours to grow up, but in this movie it took a total of...oh, 45 minutes?! That’s fucking bullshit movie! There is a thing called continuity, it’s a little something us fans like in our entertainment.... Paul Anderson claims he’s a big fan of the films yet he fucks it up so bad it’s not even funny anymore! Stop fucking shit up!
Second, diet. What the fuck do Aliens eat, your in Antarctica, they cant go outside for to long or they’ll freeze to death, the fuck do they feed on?! Penguins?! You need food to grow! In Aliens it made sense they survived because they could’ve eaten the bodies of their former hosts, but In this one they’re only like 12 people as hosts while In the film they’re 24?
Third, The Alien Queen’s escape. If this Queen has been on Earth for 3000 or something years...why only in this film did she decide to escape? I mean...she’s obviously smart because she knew if her children bite her, her acid blood would break the chains which were holding her, but why did it happen NOW?
Do they swap Queens, did this happen before? Why hasn’t her chains already been rusted by now, how did they even capture a Queen, they’re a bitch (Pun intended, fuck you movie) to capture.
Number 4: The humans
God...i hate these humans. Why couldn’t they have gotten a Dutch archetype, or Hudson, or Ripley....but no! We get fucking archaeologists and only one chick who could’ve been Ripley but she became Alien food early on in the film!
We also get Bishop, well not really Bishop but Weyland himself, who doesn’t contribute anything in the film other then dying in hand to hand combat with a Predator.
Where do I start...
First of the main character, would be Ripley, is wooden as all hell and her sudden kick ass ness later on in the film makes no sense. Also she shows no emotion what so ever, even when the Italian stallion dies.
Also she gets given a ALIEN HEAD AS A SHIELD without her arm being melted off in the process and a fucking spear like she’s a friggin’ Amazon. Why the hell is she still alive? Why the hell does a Predator decide to team up with a human?! Why does this movie suck so bad?!
You cant see it obviously, but I had to get a new keyboard again and some happy pills. I’m fine now, honest.
Oh yes...the Italian stallion aka the guy who explains shit to us about the back-story. For some reason he knows everything and can read a dead language which is a mix of Egyptian, Aztec and Mayan like it’s written for 3 year olds.
That’s cheap movie, I mean, really....
We also get a Scotch git who dies, some bad ass marine hura motherfucker who dies like a pussy and the blonde chick who I would bang, even after her comparison of a gun and a condom.
Other then Should’ve been Ripley, none of these characters are worth caring about. Not even Italian Stallion’s sidekick.
You remember the Marines in Aliens, or the Special Task force in Predator, or heck even Mike fucking Harrigan from Predator II who killed a Predator in hand to hand combat? These people were awesome and you cared about them and hoped they survived. How many of you cried when Hudson got dragged under?
How many of you think Apone should’ve had a more bad ass end? Who of you think Billy was a fucking bad ass to stay behind to give Ahnold some more time? How many of you think we should’ve ‘Got to da Choppa’ before this movie ended?
The humans are canon fodder, they’re the reason the audience gets to hear the back-story, that’s all.
And oh, Shouldn’t have been Ripley getting the spear at the end of the film? Yeah, fuck you Paul Anderson, fuck you hard!
Number 5: Pg-13
When I look back at my DVD collection I noticed something. Aliens, rated 16, Predator, rated 16, Predator 2 rated 16 despite the sex scene and the full frontal female nudity. AvP, Pg 13.......PG 13....
Why the fuck is it PG 13?! Mortal Kombat was PG 13 despite the games being fucking full of gore like there is no tomorrow! We want to see spines being pulled out of someone, skulls being bleached, Chest Bursters popping out of chests with all the blood and internal organs flying around, not fucking WCW Wrestling!
Yeh, a Predator wrestles a Alien! Why the fuck man....why the fuck....
Honestly my rant level is so high I can barely type at this point, it’s that bad. Aliens can tear you limb from limb in a millisecond, the best thing you can do is run and shoot and hope they don’t get you. The Predator kills you with his spear if he feels like it but most of the time you get your ass fired by his laser gun, or a cool boomerang.
Why the hell did they decide to keep blood flow at a minimum and the lack of cursing and boobs? Not once in this film is the word ‘fuck’ dropped, even during dangerous situations. Not once did we get to see Should’ve been Ripley shagging someone or show us her rack, we get nothing, why you ask? So the little kids can watch two highly praised Hollywood monsters duke it out like Sting and Hulk Hogan.
Best thing of it all is, it’s all shot in the dark, so you cant see anything happen, at all! And despite this movie being called Alien vs Predator, there is very little of that! They try to boost the move up by saying the Predators and the Aliens were having this ‘war’ for thousands of years...but we know better.
Aliens are animals, they only want to feed and reproduce, that’s it. No plans for universal domination or nothing. These are not the fucking Borg or the Flood from Halo, these are mindless animals under the command of one Hive mind! They cant even travel through space! Stop saying it’s a war when there isn’t one! Bad movie! BAD!
Conclusion: in short....dont see this film, not even for laughs. If you want to laugh your ass off, go see Batman and Robin, or Alone in the Dark.